About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

TheJealousy & Sexual Threat of the Adolescent Adopted Child In the Mind Of the Borderline Personality Disordered Adoptive Mother


The Jealousy Resulting In Hostility and Aggression In Adoptive Mothers

Within the population of psychological maladaptive, personality disordered and narcissistic adoptive mothers, the adopted child's age appropriate physical and psychological development creates the hostility, tension and antagonistic environment in the adoptive mother's perception. 

The borderline personality disordered adoptive mother can not cope with changes. The changes     that are predictable, such as growing up from infant to toddler to young child through adolescence to adult, spontaneously occur and are predictable of human evolution through cycles, progress as in the life cycle expectation.

To the psychologically compromised adoptive mother these changes are perceived as intentional, concerning and threatening to the delicate balance of the psychologically impaired individual. The disruption in an impaired individual's balance is 
perceived as a provoking and threatening of the calm and orderly world created by the adoptive mother within her circle of safety. "How things are now" should always be. The adoptive mother may live in denial of the adopted child's growth, cognitive ability and potential for adopted child as an individual who might some day grow up and escape the wonderful world created by the adoptive mother.

The female adopted child upon reaching adolescence can become the perceived sexual competition to the adoptive mother, and struggle for the attention of the husband and adoptive father. The adoptive mother's perception of the adolescent adopted child as the sexual problem offspring being born illegitimate and may project the negative, offensive and jealous feelings the adoptive mother feels toward the biological mother, on to the adopted child. The jealousy the adoptive mother feels toward the young budding female, was never anticipated by the adoptive mother. The adoptive mother is profoundly in denial of her own age, stale marriage relationship and is compelled to psychologically destroy her competition (the adopted child), to maintain her own self worth and self esteem.  The adoptive mother's perception of the adopted child that is developing into a desirable woman, is one of jealousy, contempt and intolerance. The adopted child was a compliant child that did what she was told. Now the adoptive mother is faced with the face of a stranger, with natural genetic behaviors and sexual drives that the adoptive mother can not predict. The adoptive mother will visualize or fantasize about the possibility of catching the adopted child (because she is not biological offspring) and her husband engaging in intimate sexual relations. As the adoptive mother feels that she can no longer trust the female adopted child due to the physical maturity of adolescent changes in womanhood. The irony is that no adolescent girl would ever want or consider any form of sexual contact with her father, adoptive or biological. Yet the reality of a psychological compromised adoptive mother's jealousy and gross imagination of sexual liaisons is very real to the adoptive mother. The adoptive mother is living in denial of her own mortality, denial that she is aging, but cognizant to the fact that her marital relations are non-existent and long dead. The adoptive mother can not emphatically see the truth in normal people, or consider the perspective of other people, that her spouse would never consider his adopted daughter in a sexual way.   The adoptive mother can only see the world through her own experience and avoids the considerations of others to boost her own self esteem and self worth.

Older women that can only feel jealousy and contempt toward young women are psychologically defective. The egocentric disposition is used only to inflate their own selfish desires. The egocentric woman's driving forces in life is to satisfy their own selfish desires, needs and wants. The adopted child was at one time one of those needs but is quickly discarded when the impulse from their need has past. 


Jealousy is an emotion, and the word typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust. In its original meaning,jealousy is distinct from envy, though the two terms have popularly become synonymous in the English language, with jealousy now also taking on the definition originally used for envy alone. Jealousy is a typical experience in human relationships It has been observed in infants five months and older. Some claim that jealousy is seen in every culture; however, others claim jealousy is a culture-specific phenomenon.
Jealousy is often reinforced as a series of particularly strong emotions and constructed as a universal human experience; it has been a theme of many artistic works. Psychologists have proposed several models of the processes underlying jealousy and have identified factors that result in jealousy. Sociologists have demonstrated that cultural beliefs and values play an important role in determining what triggers jealousy and what constitutes socially acceptable expressions of jealousy. Biologists have identified factors that may unconsciously influence the expression of jealousy. Artists have explored the theme of jealousy in photographs, paintings, movies, songs, plays, poems, and books. Theologians have offered religious views of jealousy based on the scriptures of their respective faiths.

In psychology

Jealousy involves an entire "emotional episode," including a complex "narrative,": the circumstances that lead up to jealousy, jealousy itself as emotion, any attempt at self regulation, subsequent actions and events and the resolution of the episode (Parrott, 2001, p. 306). The narrative can originate from experienced facts, thoughts, perceptions, memories, but also imagination, guess and assumptions. The more society and culture matter in the formation of these factors, the more jealousy can have a social and cultural origin. By contrast, Goldie (2000, p. 228) shows how jealousy can be a "cognitively impenetrable state", where education and rational belief matter very little.
One possible explanation of the origin of jealousy in evolutionary psychology is that the emotion evolved in order to maximize the success of our genes: it is a biologically based emotion (Prinz after Buss and Larsen, 2004, p. 120) selected to foster the certainty about the paternity of one’s own offspring. A jealous behavior, in men, is directed into avoiding sexual betrayal and a consequent waste of resources and effort in taking care of someone else’s offspring. There are, additionally, cultural or social explanations of the origin of jealousy. According to one, the narrative from which jealousy arises can be in great part made by the imagination. Imagination is strongly affected by a person's cultural milieu. The pattern of reasoning, the way one perceives situations, depends strongly on cultural context. It has elsewhere been suggested that jealousy is in fact a secondary emotion in reaction to one's needs not being met, be those needs for attachment, attention, reassurance or any other form of care that would be otherwise expected to arise from that primary romantic relationship.
While mainstream psychology considers sexual arousal through jealousy a paraphilia, some authors on sexuality (Serge Kreutz, Instrumental Jealousy) have argued that jealousy in manageable dimensions can have a definite positive effect on sexual function and sexual satisfaction. Studies have also shown that jealousy sometimes heightens passion towards partners and increases the intensity of passionate sex.
Jealousy in children and teenagers has been observed more often in those with low self-esteem and can evoke aggressive reactions. One such study suggested that developing intimate friends can be followed by emotional insecurity and loneliness in some children when those intimate friends interact with others. Jealousy is linked to aggression and low self-esteem. Research by Sybil Hart, Ph.D., at Texas Tech University indicates that children are capable of feeling and displaying jealousy at as young as six months. Infants showed signs of distress when their mothers focused their attention on a lifelike doll. This research could explain why children and infants show distress when a sibling is born, creating the foundation for sibling rivalry.

In sociology

Anthropologists have claimed that jealousy varies across cultures. Cultural learning can influence the situations that trigger jealousy and the manner in which jealousy is expressed. Attitudes toward jealousy can also change within a culture over time. For example, attitudes toward jealousy changed substantially during the 1960s and 1970s in the United States. People in the United States adopted much more negative views about jealousy.

    Adoptive Mother's Jealousy
    Normal or healthier mothers are proud of their children and want them to shine. But a narcissistic mother may perceive her daughter as a threat. If attention is drawn away from the mother, the child suffers retaliation, put-downs, and punishments. The mother can be jealous of her daughter for many reasons: her looks, her youth, material possessions, accomplishments, education and even the young girl’s relationship with the father. Thisjealousy is particularly difficult for the daughter as it carries a double-message: “Do well so that Mother is proud, but don’t do too well or you will outshine her.”

    Developmental Sabotage:

    While the young girl is growing up she uses her mother as her primary example of how to be a girl, woman, friend, lover, and person in the world. If this same mother is putting her down, and jealous of her accomplishments, the child not only becomes confused, but often gives up. Because it is the job of the parent to fill each developmental stage with nurturing, love, support and encouragement, the daughter finds an emptiness that she cannot explain. Most children want to please their parents so if given this mixed message, it is easier and perhaps even safer to do nothing and therefore not expose oneself to criticism. The message from mom is: “if at first you don’t succeed, give up!”

    Distorted Relationship with Father:

    Of course, children need to have healthy relationships with both parents. If mother is jealous of the relationship the daughter has with the father, what does the daughter do? She wants both of her parents to love her. Who does she please? How does she handle this delicate balance? More complicating is the question of what the father does? Often men in relationship with female narcissists choose to cater to the mother so as to maintain the adult relationship. So that leaves a father unable to connect with his daughter and of course this leaves the daughter with a lack of emotional connection with both parents.


    The most extreme cases of mother-daughter jealousy appear in families where there is incest. If the father is the offender and the mother becomes jealous of the father-daughter relationship, then she too becomes an offender and she cannot put the daughter first. Instead, she sees her daughter like “the other woman, going after her husband.” In most incest cases we have worked with, when the father is the offender, this is not the case. The mother takes the side of the child as it should be and leaves the offender. However, sometimes we see the dynamic of jealousy in the mother and this is heartbreaking. In those situations, the daughter is not only a victim of sexual abuse but also a victim of her mother’s envy and hatred.  

    The Pain of Being Unloved:

    In all cases of maternal jealousy towards the daughter, the daughter is left with little support for who she is as a whole person. She feels unloved and as Mother Theresa so aptly writes, “the most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.” Envy is like an anger that destroys a young developing woman. It is terrifying for the child at any age.
    In review of the literature and other writers on this subject, many say that mother-daughter jealousy is often misinterpreted or not really that common. Some say it is even normal at some level. Mothers are often reaching menopause when their young daughters are developing into beautiful young women and some say that it may be normal for mothers to have some touchy feelings about aging. It’s important to understand that the poisonous, corrosive envy felt by narcissistic mothers is not normal. The bar is raised. It is destructive. The challenge for daughters of narcissistic mothers is to learn how to recognize and cope with abnormal maternal envy.
    A common pattern in narcissistic families is that of constant comparisons to others. Envy rears its ugly head in many other contexts as well. “How does our family measure up to others and do we look good enough to the outside world?” Children learn to do this and become adults who are always worried about comparisons. If this is you and you were raised by narcissistic parents, learning how to cope is a must and part of your own recovery. Confronting the narcissist does no good. You have to release yourself from your confusion and see the envy for what it is. To do this, you must recognize your own goodness and strength. Don’t be spiteful or revengeful as that destroys you. The envy that is thrown your way does not belong to you. It is a part of the parent’s disorder. “Envy comes from people’s ignorance of, or lack of belief in, their own gifts.” (Jean Vanier) You don’t have to take it on.
    Your recovery process allows you to individuate so that you are no longer defined by anyone but yourself. Using self-compassion, self-understanding, and working your recovery is worth the time and energy. Creating your own exciting and significant life is gratifying and the more you tune into the woman you were meant to be, the better it feels!
    Anger and revenge
    Anger and revenge and the inability to control it, are the most common underlying causes of Hostile-Aggressive Parenting behaviour. Usually, when a couple separates, there is a lot of pain and hurt caused by the separation. Unfortunately, many parents are unable to deal with their hurt in a positive way and, instead, focus their emotions in a damaging way towards their former spouse and family. Their anger and need for revenge against the other parent takes control to some extent. In severe cases, these emotions can become the main motivating factors in those persons’ lives. Although anger and revenge are basic human reactions, they can be kept largely under control and their adverse affects on children eliminated if the appropriate intervention strategies are employed through the court process coupled with the proper support from the community.

    Jealousy and fear
    In some cases, parents may fear that their own relationship with their child is not strong enough and worry that their child may develop a stronger relationship with the other parent. Some parents may fear that they may lose custody of the child to the other parent if the child’s bond with the other parent becomes too strong. As a consequence, the fearful parent may resort to Hostile-Aggressive Parenting in the hope of strengthening their own bond with the child at the expense of the child’s relationship with the other parent. Jealousy and fear are often high up on the list when a parent believes that their child may want to spend more time with the other parent, especially when custody and parenting time is yet to be determined by the court. Some parents may resort to HAP fearing that the court may reduce their involvement with the child or not grant their bid for sole custody of the child.

    Power and Control
    Some parents simply have a desire for power and control over the child and the child’s other parent and the child literally becomes their tool to accomplish this. Often, this thirst for power and control over the other family situation can last for many years, if not a lifetime. The use of the child as a means to have power and control over the other parent is most common in situations where a child has been placed under the sole custodial power of only one parent or where one parent has a significantly greater period of time with the child. In addition to the money that will often flow to the custodial parent from the non-custodial parent, parents who have custody of children are often able to make further financial demands and accounting of their former partners, year after year. Religious conflicts between parents are also a power and control issue with parents of different religions wanting the child to follow the beliefs of his/her own religion.

    Financial Incentives
    Personal financial gain is also another strong motivator to hostile-aggressive parents. Gaining custody and control of the children involved is often desired as a way of increasing one party’s personal financial gain to the disadvantage of the other parent. Hostile-Aggressive Parenting can help achieve this by helping to gain custody and child support for the child. For the parent with custody of the child there are huge rewards – child support payment, income tax credits and other child tax credits. Between child support and the other tax benefits, the amount of money involved is usually amounts to thousands of dollars per year, much of it tax-free.

    Mild to severe personality/psychiatric disorders
    In a very small number of cases where HAP has been identified, one or a number of recognized personality/psychiatric disorders may be the underlying cause or partially the cause. Although most behaviours are related to the environment that persons are exposed to during their developmental years, some may be attributed to genetic disposition in which case, hostile-aggressive tendencies often appear to be found in previous generations of a family tree. For example, a number of parents who suffer from anxiety or depression come from homes where one or both of the parents may have suffered from anxiety or depression as well. Those who exhibit severe hostile-aggressive-behaviour and who seem unable to change their behaviours often suffer some form of mental or personality disorder which is affecting their ability to deal with day to day matters on a rational level. Hostile- Aggressive Parenting (HAP) can be one of the first signs of a person with a personality/psychiatric disorder.