The Adoptive Parent Bully
The Biggest Concern In Life Of My Adopted Childhood
As a young child, the focus of my life was not about friends, not about stuff I wanted to do or get, I'd spend my entire childhood worrying about the constant verbal threats from my adoptive mother threatening me about the trouble I would receive if I made her mad. Adoptive mother constantly played an adult version of "what if" I did wrong....She loved to map out scenarios of the punishments that she would render if I did- "what I should not do". Very confusing for a five year old, and it grew more complicated as I aged. Although the specifics of bad behavior was constantly changing and never spelled out or catagorys. Mother would gossip about how bad her friends and relatives kids were and what they did to get into trouble....And "if I ever even came close it would be the end for me" she would say. When I had problems being picked on at school, mother would turn it around like I deserved being bullied at school, she would say "you probably deserved it" and If I hear of you getting into trouble at school, well you will be a very sorry child when you get home or "I'm gonna be the meanest bully you ever knew if you get into trouble". I was the stupid kid that couldn't read, do math, I couldn't spell and tried my best to be invisible in elementary school. Twice being put into the wrong grade unknown till halfway through the school year when I was flunking out of the first and second grade and Yet I was severely punished for flunking school both times., although it was the school's office administrative mix-up, I still was punished for not trying hard enough, making mother look bad and making mother embarrassed because the school put me in the wrong grade twice, It was still my fault.
As a child I was always lurking in the shadows, waiting, watching and listening for any ques to let me know punishment or trouble was coming. The recent child development psychologists call it "adopted child's hypervigilance" as I must be ready at all times to be slapped, hit or confined to my room. I remember several times when I was doing nothing and mother would insist that I look guilty and announce to her house party guests that I was guilty of some offense, then she would start yelling and screaming at me infront of the audience to humiliate me on top of just keeping me in constant fear of her
bipolar narcissistic public soapbox rages. (Just writing this c-causes me to shake.) I never had to worry about things that other kids were worried about...Their audition for a dance recital, a school science project, memorizing the preamble for U.S. history. Some adopted kids have a really bad hand dealt them and they can never escape, and if they can escape it is too late for people like us because our foundation in life is built on the experience of fear, guilt, psychological manipulation and adoptive mother dominating and owning your soul. I am 45 years old and the thought of her shrieking voice could at any time cause me to snap and loose it-Like psychopath style. That is why I can't have any contact because I just might end up in prison for 40 years of held-inside psychological abuse. Especially when the adoptive parent is sticking with the story that they were the Betty Crockers and June Cleavers moms. I was raised by more like a Cathy Bate's Misery and Joan Crawford's type mother's dearest. Yet they are all award winning adoptive parent "actors".