The Over-reactive, Hyper-critical Critical and Exaggeratedly Angry Adoptive Mother
The search for the understanding in the psychology of abnormal controlling and dominating adoptive mother relationships is difficult to narrow down the cause of the adoptive mother's psychopathology.
Could it be the narcissistic or borderline personality disorder that makes her so consumed by every detail of the adopted child living and breathing. The adoptive mother's intolerance, common anger and hyper vigilant intrusive behavior to uncover the possibility for the adopted child's motivation for suspected wrong doing. When observing the adoptive mother's mothering of her biological sons, there is no suspicion, exaggeration of facts or overreactions to the ordinary daily life of her biological children. Then the metamorphosis into the overbearing angry adoptive mother lurking in the shadows like a spider waiting to suck the life force out of the adopted child, waiting to punish the adopted child at the first sign of defiance.
As we have read psychoanalytic accounts of the adoptive mother that can not see herself in the adopted child or mirror the alien child, as the adopted child can only be truely mirrored by the adopted child's own biological mother.
It seems that psychological genetic mirroring not only gives the newborn child the ability to see himself and develop naturally by the genetic mirroring. The genetic mirroring is the natural mirroring ques gives the biological parent the ability to see themselves in their biological offspring and provide the parent a sense of introspective awareness of themselves in their offspring that helps the parent to feel apathy and acceptance of themselves and acceptance in their biological child.
The adopted child can't be genetically mirrored by the adoptive parent, the adoptive parent can't see themselves in their adoptive child, only someone else's alien child. The adoptive parent can not relate to the adoptive child in any deep or meaningful way.
The adoptive parent feels frustration, lack of intuition and lack of true connection in the non-biological offspring. Connection between the adoptive parent and the adoptive child must be continuously proven
every day which becomes emotionally taxing in psychological effort to the point that the effort to constantly prove the relationship is cut short in effort and reduced to constant words like "I love You". Which saying "I love you" too often becomes meaningless to the child. The adoptive parent believes if they say "I love you" enough times, at some point they may come to believe the words, but the words eventually become meaningless to both the adoptive parent and the adopted child.
When the adoptive parent stops trying or becomes overwhelmed by the consistent daily proving of the adoptive bond, they give up or become angry. The anger is easier to project at the adopted child who is become too needy, too much effort and mentally exhausting to the adoptive parent. The adoptive mother feels betrayed, used and intolerant of the adopted child that "just can't be reached". The frustrated adopted mother is exhausted by the constant proving of the adoptive relationship, and emotional commitment that can't ever become a reality. It is like Gepetto wanting a son and creates a wooden puppet that if he loves the puppet enough the puppet will become human. The puppet never becomes human, and in the psychological exhaustion of constantly trying to prove this adoptive love relationship, feels to the adoptive parent as wasted time. The adopted child didn't put in the same amount of effort that the adoptive mother put forth. The adopted child becomes the bad guy that did not live up to his part of the adoption contract... Although the adopted child never agreed to the adoption contract in the first place. The adoption contract was all a manifestation of the adoptive mother's desire, wants and fulfilling her own needs to become a parent. The psychological realization that the adoptive mother created this disaster and misery all on her own and ruined her normal life, builds resentment toward the adopted child. The resentment grows and becomes intolerable to the adoptive mother, every time she looks at the adopted child she becomes angry at the adopted child for ruining her life, being a second choice and a poor replacement and excuse for her own biological child that could have been. The adopted child becomes her dependent, target and scapegoat for all that is unsatisfactory. Everything the adopted child does is flawed, causes her pain and the bad behavior is met by the adoptive mother's intolerance of the adoptive mother. To relinquish the adopted child would result in social criticism, so the adoptive mother is forced to keep the unwanted adopted child through eighteen years of age. The unwanted adopted child can do no right, no good and is in essence the evil that reminds the adoptive mother of the life she had before her big mistake of adopting.