The Bad Memories in Unwanted Adopted Children
It is raining heavy outside, at time that I always hope for as I am the eternal fish, (a Pieces) the only real thing that I know about myself, as I am the cold, slippery, unable to hold fish, Fish-out-of-water that suffocates each moment of it's existence in captivity.
The real suffocation that I suffered to clinical death twice, is no longer a frightening experience but a deep longing inside of me for peace from my continuous struggling to breath air, to endure the suffering that constitutes my life as an unwanted child. You see being an unwanted child is not a temporary situation, but a life sentence that is what is unique to my miserable personality. The suffering is learned by the treatment of biological mothers, foster mothers and caregivers, and especially my adoptive parents. They infused in me that I was not one of them, a foreigner, an alien that was a disappointing attempt at a charitable donation of an arrogant adoptive mother and her family for an unwanted adopted child. Just because you are unwanted by your biological parents, doesn't change the fact that you become the unwanted to the adoptive family. The modern day outsider is how I was groomed and conditioned. But the adoptive mother's wishes for me to be feminine, frail and helpless burns inside her daily as my true nature to be independent, self sufficient and pleased in the mother's anger reaction to place me into solitude.
As solitude is where I am my own friend, my own confidence and my own ally. Those haunting memories from a miserable and unjust childhood
number ten to one good memory to nine bad unforgivable memories at the hands of a cruel adoptive mother. I have never been diagnosed with depression although when I allow my mind to linger in the depths of the childhood misery and suffering at the hands of a narcissistic mother, one would constantly contemplate suicide. I don't allow myself to linger there long. Today my grown daughter brought up people who wished and attempted me harm, as I remembered a great memory of my eight year old innocence and wonder of a world unknown to me in a northern California family trip, and was flooded by the shaking, heavy breathing and those awful horrid memories of my adoptive mother's tantrums and verbal abuse of those not present. You see she could never look someone in the eye and say I hate you, except me the adopted child. Mother can only spit out her back stabbing hatred of others to me and never to the face of the person she gossiped about. She is a coward and dishonorable as I have learned not to gossip and if I have angry thoughts about a person now, I try to have apathy toward who might have traumatized them in childhood to make them who they are today. I did try this with my adoptive mother, I made questioning statements regarding her own childhood abuse at the hands of her father...and she said nothing. The next meeting she would deny all the possibilities that lead to her hatred of him, and I know with all of my intuition that the was now lying, as the pain from the truth was too hard for her to bear, and trust such secrets to an outsider adopted child. I now know that all freakishness and hatred in human beings comes from their parent's lack of nurturing, lack of protection and the sexual abuse perpetrated by the trusting parent.
The parent you see is the key to all evil, violence and psychopathy in adult people, although it will be denied till their death, they will never reveal such monumental secrets that lie at the core of their hate
and lack of human apathy.