The Most Miserable Holiday of the Year..........X-MAS
Adoptee Holiday Blues
Christmas is more disappointing than the adoptee's abandonment day of birth. As the whole of society participates in the material consumption and promotion of a day that has nothing to with the birth of the Christ. Christmas is for spending what you do not have, receiving things you do not want, and usually walking away from the festivities feeling cheated.... Those story book families that actually enjoy one-another's company, gather together to enjoy some kind of unity and connectedness, that I (the adopted child) have never known, never seen and never understood, As I have no connection to the world. I have a biological father, mother, and sister., I birthed two beautiful, intelligent and well nurtured Individuals that I am connected to., But the very core of my being does not understand what connecting means or what it symbolizes, how it works and what might constitute a connection. I just don't get it, feel it or see it as if a connection could be sitting infront of me and I would still be unaware. I am immune to emotions, feelings and what they constitute in connections to other people. I do not understand people that use the terms like "US" and "WE", and how they hold so important the time, to want to spend with significant others...As no real single person would ever want or has ever wanted to spend time on me. As I am a damaged adopted child that can not fathom or understand complex emotions, body language and empathy. I am the child that dreads any family gathering to a fault. The forced touches, shaking dirty -germ ridden hands upon me and forced Infectious spreading hugs from extended family members and others that are merely going through the motions of acceptable body language during family get-togethers. Although I am petrified, fearing other people as they force themselves upon me in the spirit of holiday cheer, and I go home infected with some new virus. The forced situations are not genuine or real as I don't hear from these people, and won't all year long, until the next holiday season where the cycle of the phony acquaintance and temporary holiday conditional friendship discussing the weather, that will last only as long as the evenings Christmas party. I do not understand why humans are forced and insist to engage in such behaviors? When a person is avoided all year long, why force them to be present on a holiday when they are not genuinely liked, accepted or tolerated? Why do we force other humans to be in situations where people they dislike are present and play the part, do the temporary dance on demand for the benefit of holiday cheer? I guess I will never understand because it is not in my human nature to be connected with another, as my own maternal depravity has made me disconnected from my own humanity...The truth that is my flaw but fortunately the intergenerational effects of child abuse stopped with my demand for psychological assistance in not repeating my own abuse upon my offspring.
As the materialistic festivity of Christmas draws near once again trying to understand the pit I feel in my stomach, the sadness without tears and the source of my most horrid pain is of being so alone in the world that I usually embrace it, but at holidays we are supposed to experience this joy in connection with our families, that I do not experience at all. Each year I ponder this same tragic line of reasoning, searching adoptee blogs for answers to my questions on how they cope with these forced family gatherings and the many adoptee's that like myself are hold out their resistance to the group gathering retracting to the solace of seclusion as I always did know how to hide or do my disappearing act. At least I am honest to myself in reality, about my own lack of feelings toward others to understand the depths of destruction
I must keep asking the question until I find an answer that I can believe in or believe to be true.