Forcing the Weight of the Adult World on the Adopted Child
Some adoptive mothers seek adopting a baby to fill their own personal void, outside of the marriage. When faced with resistance, the adoptive mother may make threats of divorce unless she is granted what she wants....a baby. To the detriment of the already rocky marriage, the tantrum of an angry woman is no match for any man. Adopting against a husband's and family's wishes is not uncommon, and sometimes becomes the norm, as the husband knows better than interfere with his wife getting what she wants. The situation of an adoptive mother "Being on her own" in an adoption where she is the one-man-band performing for the family, yet she is the one genuinely in control. The adopted child becomes her toy, necklace and accessory that she wears on occasion when she needs validation. The adopted child becomes the adoptive mother's separate relationship from the family. The adoptive mother looses her sense of perspective of the parent-child relationship, and begins to gossip to the child about the people around her. The adopted child's allegiance to the adoptive mother is one of desperation, as the relationship was never normal and only a twisted reality can emerge from the relationship as master & servant, dependence and privation. The adopted child is desperate to hold on to any type of attention being negative or positive from their twisted view of living and survival. The adopted child's driving force is not to make adoptive mother angry, when she is not provoked she is neutral figure in the adopted child's life, which is acceptable considering the alternative of abandonment. The burdens of adult behavior, adult concepts and borderline psychopathy of the adoptive mother cause the adopted child to live in a constant state of hypervigilance. The high alert for oncoming
dangerous of negative regard toward the adopted child, severe negative attitudes, verbal abuse, physical abuse, neglect and severe physical adult tantrums by the adoptive mother's quickly changing behaviors. The hypervigilance becomes the adopted child's core coping skill and defense mechanisms that are usually mistaken for the adopted child's personality. The adopted child's learned adaption to and around the adoptive mothers alarming coping behavior to the adoptive mother's complex changing mental environments cause the adopted child to crave excitement, torment, find and create dramatic circumstances, as hypervigilance can't be washed off, unlearned or healed. It is a permanent condition that was biologically developed in the adopted child during infancy and young childhood by the adoptive mother's primal tumultuous personality that amplified her outrageous reactionary behavior of yelling, screaming and physical striking of objects, walls and people. This is the unfortunate reality of the adopted child's legacy from the adoptive mother, the behaviors taught were observed early in life and embedded in the brain as normal. The daily adoptive home environment and the everyday way the family relates, talks to each other, especially the behaviors observed are embedded in the psyche of the growing child to impact his life forever as the normal home behavior from childhood.
Burdening the adopted child with adult problems
-The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life, by Dr. Patricia Love - When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment, Kenneth Adams and Alexander Morgan