Adoptee's Suicide Risk 4 Times Higher
than Biological Offspring
As an adopted child I learned early that death was just about the only real way out of my miserable adopted existence. The self seeking comfort I feel in isolation, privacy and hiding out away from where my adoptive mother can not find me. The only way to end this circular- recurring cycle of psycho narcissist adoptive mother's control, domination, sickly abusive relationship in that everything in the world revolves around her, was suicide. I learned about killing one's self from the frequent 2:am drunken brawls at home where the parents are wasted, exhausted and have become too warn down from fighting each-other, to go on. That is the point where the 38 handgun is retrieved from the dresser, with a quick inspection of the six bullets, and it is snapped back in place for the dad's Grand Finale, threatening to kill himself infront of my crying self and siblings. We beg dad not to do it, although this is part of the ritual where mom already told him to fuck off and went to bed. The first time I was in serious trouble about 12 years old, caught for sneaking out with a girlfriend to meet some boys, my brother tracked me down and dragged me back to the house. My first thought, I went and got the 38 and said to my friend "we have to kill ourselves" (as I am going to be punished) My friend called her mother to come get her, I didn't understand why she wanted to leave. In my mind the punishment that my parents were going to give me was far worse than my own self inflicted gunshot through my mouth-back out of the back of my head. I was more devastated in loosing a friend than planning my own suicide. The next couple of attempts were bottles of pills of which I woke up from. I slit my wrists wrong and made a big mess but no one ever knew. I would daydream as I got older of using the car's exhaust and a hose to the window. The plastic bag and propane, helium, Carbon dioxide. My daydreams of killing myself were not stress related, and with each new and better idea, other more cleaner ways came about in my mind.
After I had my own daughters, I never wanted them to suffer from the mess I left behind or think that my suicide had anything to do with them.
Myself included six failed attempts, but I would never make a threats of suicide fearing being put into a straight jacket or mental hospital and ultimately loosing my freedom when the time cam and I was more serious. I have never threatened to off myself, it is a personal secret like with the many other plans
But the prolonged haunting keeps me from doing it.
Suicide is not some sickness or mental illness, it is the ultimate end to the drain people like me suck from society. We are society's dependents and never contributors, as when our temporary "adoption role" was played out we lacked the ability to coexist, to create or live. We are the watchers on the sidelines of life with no capacity to redevelop that what we have missed out. Only knowing one insignificant role to please one significant person, who at this point I am sure wishes me dead......In time mother.