My Disappearing Act Isn't Giving Me Relief from the Horror-id-days.
Like some adoptee's that I've read their holiday related blues, misery or depression type melancholy
I thought for the longest time it was just related to my miserable want-to-forget all birthdays. I particularly hate birthdays, especially my own...Abandonment day. The day I was forced into this miserable world to replace that dead baby, the reason for my allowed existence in life. But as the last couple of days my feeling of dread leading up to the turkey genocide based on my ancestor's genocide and ethnic cleansing of the united states called progress. You see I have many reasons to hate holidays and have worked so hard at creating justified reasons to hate all holidays so that I don't have to face my own reality. My epiphany today while waiting in line at starbucks, "All holidays are connected to family gatherings"....Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, Birthdays, their all hijacked by the freakin cult of family! This realization helped me understand why I feel so down, and why I am always doing my disappearing act when forced to attend the miserable festivities. Forced smiles and forced positive attitude at a time I'd rather have my teeth extracted than sit through another phony family "Do-ins" as grandma would say. It does not matter if I go or do not go I am miserable, I want to hide in a closet and eat glass instead of eating helpless animals sacrificed for arrogant family's celebration....But it was never my family's celebration, their lives went on without me.
So now I know why I have endless days of anxiety and panic attacks, even when I am with the people who love me, it is not about the company.