The Socially Unacceptable Anger In Adopted Children __________________________________________
As I search adoptee blogs, seeking answers to my unfortunate state being psychologically Isolated, lost, and not accepting of the scripted answers that the experts from the adoption industry told my parents to say. The plague of unanswered questions and the lies that I have forced to accept under the threat of punishment for asking too many questions. I need to know how other adopted children make sense of the chaos, double standards, suppressed emotions, fear based threats to keep me from acquiring knowledge that may anger my parent's need to remain smarter than my childhood ignorance, they refused my moral and financial support of secondary education. The
confusing messages and misunderstood behavior all related to keeping me a psychological dependent, the adoption secrets and the taboo of the adopted child mentioning anything related to adoption...
...On the other hand, my adoptive mother used adoption constantly to punish me, shame, manipulate and humiliate me in front of people. Mother would always introduce me as her adopted child, especially in places where I was the new kid. She wanted every child and adult to know that she did not spawn such an inept outcast. She did want everyone to know that she was the experienced award winning parent that had the drive and motivation to publicly save the life of an unwanted child to this self appointed women's club socialite, she never introduced me as just her daughter, because she was so compelled to public views and relied on deceiving appearances to fool everyone into thinking that she was some kind of selfish hero. Armed with her possessions, status jewelry and pet adopted child safely secured to her leash, she would show off in public how well she could train an animal, the savior of this unwanted child could be broken in like a horse, I was her living jewelry she sometimes chose to wear to her social clubs and engagements. Other times she would drag me along to adult places and have me sit on the floor or the corner of a restaurant's coat rack near the entrance, while she socialized with others. I remember this like it was yesterday, the women would be looking back at me from their lunches, snickering, making fun of the barefoot, dirty faced little girl with messy hair and laughing out loud at how un-ladylike I was sitting on the floor in the back of the lunch counter. Then her laughing would quickly turn to humiliation and anger looking back at my unclean appearance. She would go from laughing with a friend to grabbing me from the floor by the arm and marching me out of the cafe to scold me for not acting like a lady. To punish me for ruining her lunch with a friend because of my dirty appearance, she is embarrassed by me again, in front of her friends and I should be so sorry for ruining her afternoon. My psychotherapist has suggested many secondary diagnosis from my descriptions of mother's moment-to-moment behavior changes, going from happy to rage unprovoked, just sitting there saying nothing, always looking down so she can't say I was starring or "glaring at her". As my staring or glaring at mother would result in her striking me in the face in public, and that was the most humiliating thing in the world to me....A Public
Strike in the face or verbal attack, because mother always prefers an audience when she takes the stage to punish me, it is a public affair. Especially when I am in need of a reminder of how to act, the verbal ridicule needs to be witnessed by others. The subject matter of adoption was presented in such a humiliating way by mother, that I would beg her not to tell anyone and always felt so deeply ashamed of myself for being born an illegitimate bastard and adopted child that I would shake in anticipation of mother's well rehearsed public monologue of how "She Adopted","We Adopted","Adopt" just writing the world makes grimace as I can hear her matter-of-fact voice saying it, the equivalent of taking a shit!
The only blog writing that I can truthfully relate to or comprehend the messages in my perpetual state of confusion that the pro-adoption culture labels: "angry adoptee writers", are the writers I need to hear to continue to exist as a human being. I need their story, the examples, the specifics and how they get through each phase, step, day or minute. I need to relate to other humans on the level they allow us into the suffering they live.
Although many angry labeled adoptee writers continuously apologize, constantly clarify that they do not fall under this category, and remind the reader that they are not the stereotype Angry adopted child
In that they love their adoptive parents and are not in active conflict with them.
Why is it a public taboo or disgraceful to be angry and also be an adopted child....And who has this power to suppress the emotions or opinion of adult adopted children that they risk further invalidation if they admit to possess the feeling of anger at system that invalidates the experiences of adopted children if the point of view is from anger, is disregarded and excluded as a psychologically unstable lunatic not worthy of valid personal experiences of adoption; Unless the adoptee's experience and point of view are grounded in pleasant and honorable regard of adoption.
The dishonored children who are purchased only to utilize the young childhood time of ignorance to the damage and suffering provoked adoption's injurious paradigm.
The adoption anger in my adoption experience is at my prolonged ignorance to gain unobtainable regard from my adoptive parents. My adoptee anger is at society's forced submission, domination and suppression of adopted children's psychological well being, stunted psychological growth and retarded identity that is forced to remain seven years old. My silent 40 years were out of stunted and unknown personal identity, shame of being an abused child and shame of being an adopted child. I could not completely run away from myself although I persisted in trying.