About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

The Dysfunctional Adoptive Family's Relationship Patterns

ADOPTEE RAGE!

The Dysfunctional Adoptive Family's Relationship Patterns
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Link:http://brown.edu/campus-life/support/psychological-services/dysfunctional-family-relationships

Dysfunctional Family Relationships

Many people hope that once they leave home, they will leave their family and childhood problems behind. However, many find that they experience similar problems, as well as similar feelings and relationship patterns, long after they have left the family environment.
What the Dysfunctional Family Child Missed Out-On:
 Ideally, children grow up in family environments which help them feel worthwhile and valuable. They learn that their feelings and needs are important and can be expressed. Children growing up in such supportive environments are likely to form healthy, open relationships in adulthood. 
The Child's Consequences:
However, families may fail to provide for many of their children’s emotional and physical needs. In addition, the families’ communication patterns may severely limit the child’s expressions of feelings and needs. Children growing up in such families are likely to develop low self esteem and feel that their needs are not important or perhaps should not be taken seriously by others. As a result, they may form unsatisfying relationships as adults.           

Making Changes

Sometimes we continue in our sub-human roles because we are waiting for our parents to give us “permission”; to change. But that permission can come only from you. The dominating parents in dysfunctional families often feel threatened by all changes, especially in their children. As a result, they may thwart your efforts to change and insist that you “change back!” That’s why it’s so important for you to trust your own perceptions and feelings. Change begins with you. Some specific things you can do include:
  • Identify painful or difficult experiences that happened during your childhood.
  • Make a list of your behaviors, beliefs, etc. that you would like to change.
  • Next to each item on the list, write down the behavior, belief, etc. that you would like to do/have instead.
  • Pick one item on your list and begin practicing the alternate behavior or belief. Choose the easiest item first.
  • Once you are able to do the alternate behavior more often than the original, pick another item on the list and practice changing it, too.
In addition to working on your own, you might find it helpful to work with a group of people with similar experiences and/or with a professional counselor.

Special Considerations

As you make changes, keep in mind  the following:
  • Stop trying to be perfect. In addition, don’t try to make your family perfect.
  • Realize that you are not in control of other people’s lives. You do not have the power to make others change.
  • Don’t try to win the old struggles – you can’t win.
  • Set clear limits – e.g., if you do not plan on visiting your parents for a holiday, say “no,” not “be.”
  • Identify what you would like to have happen. Recognize that when you stop behaving the way you used to, even for a short time, there may be adverse reactions from your family or friends. Anticipate what the reactions will be (e.g., tears, yelling, other intimidating responses) and decide how you will respond.

Final Note

Don’t become discouraged if you find yourself slipping back into old patterns of behavior. Changes may be slow and gradual; however, as you continue to practice new and healthier behaviors, they will begin to become part of your day to day living.

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