Adoptee Rage! This blog is written exclusively for the 38% of Abused and Neglected Adopted Children. The U.S. HHSA Identifies #1 Risk: Maltreatment, Child Abuse and Risk for Death In Adopted children. Childhood domination, Coping compensation. Research in Adoption Psychology, Developmental Trauma"The Adoption Paradox". By Rainstorm Red-Smith
About Adoptee Rage
Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.
Monday, March 24, 2014
The Distressing perpetual Outcast, and The Distorted Reality of the Adoptive Family Nexus
The Distorted Reality of Adoption Family Nexus
The adoptive family is not a naturally occurring process, as in normal family's natural process of procreation. The adoptive parent's forced legal relationship with a child that has no choice and is forced into compliance with the new owner. The assumed legal forbearance of forbidding the child and natural parents future contact is an unrealistic expectation of wishful thinking on the adoptive parent's sense of ownership is dependent on the compliance of the child by refusing normal biological urges and drives. But the adoptive relationship is based on the adopted child's voluntary, involuntary and forced suppression, repression and subdued biological identity. The adoptive parent's recreation of a new (untraceable) Identity to temporarily hide the adoptive child in suburbia for 18 years. The focus of child adoption in the United States is not based on the best interests of the child, but based In the best interests, desires and wants of the adopting mother. The mother's desire not to be bothered, contacted, scrutinized or checked up-on by the adoptive child's biological support group of parents, grandparents, siblings and the child's extended family; Which is in the best possible interests of the adopted child and cause the child to be and feel alienated from the world. Adoptee's are completely alone in a room full of friends, family, acquaintances. Especially when an adoptee is singled out or the focus of an event as the forcing an adoptee out of the crowd and into the center stage of scrutiny. The specific to adoptee's, uncomfortable, distressing, and disturbing feeling Is being completely alone in the world throughout one's entire lifetime, never experiencing the comfort of familiar connection. As the "familiar Connection" does not exist in the reality of the life of a disconnected adult adopted child. The adult child adoptee's entire existence, identity and "what might have been" is consistently In question by the adoptee, because the choices were not made by the adoptee that effected their personal life experience and negatively impacts their life. When you have "No choice" in the matter, it is usually based on burden, problems or bad circumstances. "No Choice" is the platform for which the patterns of coercion and forced compliance patterns of adoptive parental interaction within the child adoption relationship.
especially after biological reunion takes place. As the adopted child feels that they did not belong in the adoptive home or the biological home, where life went on without the missing child.
"The missing child" Is one example of how an adopted child's self regarded feeling of peculiarity. The awareness of being an outsider, not belonging, outcast and ostracized is the only familiar, repetitive identifiable emotional adaption that is consistent, enduring and reliable of the adopted child's Isolation.
In psychology, a family nexus is a common viewpoint held and reinforced by the majority of family members regarding events in the family and relationships with the world. The term was coined by R.D. Laing, who believed that this nexus "exists only in so far as each person incarnates the nexus...maintaining his interiorization of the group unchanged.
Applied Family Nexus Problem Example: The adopted child becomes the Identified Problem (IP Identified Patient) as all of the family's problems began when the family adopted the child. The child becomes the family's scapegoat for all dysfunctional blame.
The concept is similar to the 'family psychic apparatus (FPA)...an unconscious psychic basis, common to members of the family group, inducing a specific experience of belonging, the adopted child does not perpetuate the family nexus, does not perpetuate the delusional fantasy of the family nexus from being an outsider the adopted child is outside of the intimate ques from the adopted mother's demanding allegiance to perpetuating her distorted view of family life. The adopted child is not created by or from the family's dysfunction and finds the ill-behavior unjust and cruel that the child is the sole target of the mother's hostility, malice and aggressive focus.
Laing was particularly interested in schizophrenia, which he believed could be understood if seen from the viewpoint of the person concerned. He saw how a powerful family nexus could victimize one family member, usually a child, who found themselves in the position of not being able to "speak" or even "think the truth" without being chastised by the group. The adopted child who often had vested interests in perpetuating the family myth and excluding reality to fit in to the family. The adopted child is motivated by survival to continually fit in as the adoptive child relation is conditional and not unconditionally assumed as in natural born offspring's unconditional love relationship. The adopted child will strive daily to please, to fit in, in attempting to be an unassumingly natural child, which he is not.
The Nexus Family's View of a Family Fight, Altercation, Violent Argument:
In Laing's opinion, 'what is called a psychotic episode in one person, can often be understood as a crisis of a peculiar kind in the inter-experience of the nexus'.
The Common and Distorted Family Nexus Blame:
Example:The youngest Adopted child is awakened and attacked while mom was drunk, coming home late from the bar. Dad's view is you deserved to be punished because you were out of bed after midnight and upsetting your mother., The babysitter brother was on the phone all night talking to his girlfriend, he says sister was rude to mother and deserved punishment. The other sibling brother says Sister was arguing with mother and deserved to get hit.
What Really Happened Vs. Self Motivation To Avoid Mother's Angry Focus:
TRIGGER:The late arrival of the parents home from cocktail party, mom discovers the dishes in the sink were not put away and becomes enraged at the family scapegoat and wakes her up in the middle of the night to punish her.
EXCUSES:The brother was the babysitter, in charge of getting the youngest child to do the dishes. The other brother made a mess in the kitchen after the dishes were done.
FOCUS-THE-FAULT: The mother and father were quarreling about the woman at the bar that the father was flirting with, when they arrived home to a sleeping house. The father does not want the mother's focus back on him for flirting with the woman at the bar. The brother doesn't want the focus on his poor skills to control the housework while babysitting. The younger brother does not want trouble for the mess he made, Blames the sister Scapegoat.
The Scapegoat: Deserves and wants what she gets, as an outsider physically taking from others, food, money, happiness, things, energy and longevity away from the members of the stable family, Who suffers from the adopted child's presence.
Because the scapegoat is blamed the family nexus is intact without guilt and is perpetuated forever as normal behavior this family and of all families in the world.
Often described as part of the antiphychiatry movement, Laing, struggled to see things in terms of existentialism, emphasizing the difference between 'being' or 'being in this world' and being alive. 'An issue essential to an existential analysis of action is to what extent and in what ways the agent is disclosed or concealed...in and through action'. Being in the existentialist sense means being an object for others, and having others as objects, in other words carrying a model in our heads of all the significant others in our lives. This model provided the motivation for many of our thoughts and actions, and without it we 'cease to be' in a very real sense.
It is this need for others, in order to 'be', which makes us afraid to contradict a family nexus, risking family exclusion.
However 'to the scapegoat the fantasy system of the nexus is a "lousy hell", not an enchanting spell, and they want out...
But within the fantasy of the nexus, to leave is an act of ingratitude, or cruelty, or suicide, or murder...Herein is the risk of defeat and madness'.
The distortion involved in not going against the nexus can force wrong thinking - leading to 'not being in reality', which Laing saw as the essence of schizophrenia; and for Laing 'one of the most important questions, therefore, is whether such mistrust of her "feelings" and the testimony of others arises from persistent inconsistencies within an original nexus'.
'Three or four people in a closed nexus will maintain a status quo which suits them, forming a collusive alliance to neutralize anyone who threatens its stability'. Building on W.R. Bion's account 'of the numbing feeling of reality that is a concomitant of this state', and on Kleinian accounts of how 'we are all prone to be drawn into social fantasy systems ', accounts of how a group's basic assumptions could radiate 'long silences, sighs of boredom, movements of discomfort...the hostility of the individuals was being contributed to the group anonymously' - Laing described how 'the energy of the nexus is used to prevent anything going on...exchanges are boring, repetitous, concerned only with trivia'.
Laing considered that 'in such a family nexus, any statement or gesture functions as something quite different from what it "appears" to be and no action can be "trusted" to "mean" what it seems'. As his associate Joseph Burke put it, in such a nexus 'a unique pattern of communication could be made out. People did not talk to each other, but at each other, and tangentially, not directly....what people said was often contradicted by the way they said it (tone of voice and/or facial and bodily movements)'.
Further light was shed on such interactions by Greory Bateson concept of the Double blind - "a situation in which contradictory demands are being put upon an adopted child, scapegoat (or Identified Patient) in such a way that there is no avenue of escape or challenge".
Laing considered that the concept 'has revolutionised the concept of what is meant by "environment"',and that 'this paradigm of an insoluble "can't win" situation, specifically destructive of self-identity' greatly illuminated the way the subject's 'disturbed pattern of communication...[was] a reflection of, and reaction to, the disturbed and disturbing pattern characterizing his or her family of origin'. In such a light, what we call 'mental illness' is therefore perhaps more the outcome of a problematic configuration of the nexus than it is a necessary result of the nexus itself: the psychotic is 'the overt casualty of a deeply concealed family tragedy...the end-result of complex and skew interactions within his family'.
As Laing was careful to point out, however, it was not 'a matter of laying the blame at anyone's door. The untenable position, the "can't win" double-bind, the situation of checkmate, is by definition not obvious to the protagonists...The man at the bottom of the heap may be being crushed and suffocated to death without anyone noticing, much less intending it' in the wider nexus.
Andrew Collier has commented on Laing's dilemma, which Laing himself seemed never to properly identify. In much of his writing Laing assumed an uncorrupted natural state for the human mind, and tended to condemn society for causing mental illness in rather (early) Marxist terms. He saw schizophrenia as a possible healing process, a way of working through things, back to normality. Collier suggests that there is no uncorrupted state, no normality; rather that as social animals we all need to incorporate others into a nexus in order to 'be'. We must all perhaps be 'mad' to some extent if we are to function in society, rather than as loners, but we must be uniformly mad. The nature of the madman's 'must', however, remains unestablished.
Psychotherapy today comes in many forms, following different schools of thought. Psychoanalysis emphasises childhood experience, and left- over feelings, though Freud did point to the role of society in his later works like Civilization and its Discontents. Family therapy concentrates on bringing families together and encouraging them to work out their interactions, but it might (depending on its theoretical orientation) offer little or no support to the victim of family nexus, who may then be punished for anything he dares to reveal or hint at, and (lacking a support network) submit to silent intimidation in family therapy, rather than risk exclusion and the 'ceasing to be' that follows.
The alert family therapist will however 'avoid taking the family's side...Or the scapegoat's. You mustn't take anyone's side because then you'd be joining in the blaming...You've got to treat the family as a system, without blaming anyone...you need to make them all feel supported
Family Therapy is obviously not a valid action of healing, as the family's motives are to perpetuate the scapegoat's position of catch all for the family's psychological trash.
The adopted child-adult must stand alone in healing from the family that created by force the child's maladaptive behaviors of defense mechanisms. The adoptive family is the identified enemy in psychological reality. The adoption family has forced the adopted child into a role of sub-human existence to serve the adoptive family's wants, desires and needs. The adopted child is nothing more than a dysfunctional object toy to be used when other forms of entertainment have been exhausted. The adopted child becomes useless as it grows into maturity, and begins to have self motivations it's his own. The adopted child is not a person, nor has potential or independent reasoning. The adopted child is an object to satisfy the needs, desires or wants of infertile women who feel cheated from not having biological offspring. The adoptive relationship is not a natural substitute for a biological family, it is a phony, legally forced relationship that will disappoint the buyer as the adopted child's natural drive for self determination for independence begins to erupt like an unwanted blister. The efforts suffered by the adopting mother will eventually be turned into anger and hatred toward the adopted child, repressing and refusing to acknowledge and allow the child's normal progress of aging and independence.