The of Adopted Child
The adoptive parents who seek out to adopt a child, years later notice that the child has problems and is the problem responsible for the adoptive parent's unhappiness.
What always angers me is the ignorant parent who blames the child for the way the child was parented.
When we control, abuse and mistreat children especially the wounded at birth psychology of the adopted child the child is to blame.
Too many of these forums where the parent pens what is wrong in their mind with the child, they give away too many hints in the short bio of the child's maltreatment.
I don't know how well this topic will be received by the forum, but I'll give it a try. We adopted grade-school age siblings in 1995. Lived through about 6 plus years of hell with them. They left at ages 15 and 17 because they didn't want to live with us. It's been almost 10 years since they left, and I'm still bombarded by memories on a daily basis and vivid dreams several nights a week. We have absolutely no contact with them or the nearly 5 year old son that my daughter has.
Not every adoption succeeds and there must be others who have been through this. I need something to help me move on.
I've tried a variety of methods to be at peace with this pain and nothing works.
The investment in adopting children as your own is for life despite the outcome.
I've tried to locate support groups/systems and haven't had any luck. Living in a rural area doesn't help. Adoption support systems are geared toward the matches that are still intact.
"My son"/the boy we adopted was taken away in handcuffs 3 weeks after his 15th birthday. He was defiant, had attacked us, and we were fearful of him. He then went to a psych hospital, then to a children's treatment facility, then back into foster care where he aged out.
We signed papers allowing "our daughter"/the girl to marry 2 days after she turned 17. She refused to live at our house any longer and there was nothing we could do. She despised us.
I would like to connect with others who have been through this. But, I don't want to gripe. I want to deal with this, adjust, and move on in a healthy direction. I cannot imagine another 10 years of daily flashbacks and distressing dreams.
i have a 6yr old adopted girl who has no respect for toys ( broke 2 within a week of xmas day!) i do believe shedoes not do it out of malious but just has not respect for items and is reallly ungrateful. if you go shopping she thinks everything is for her.
i know i could have much worse problems but it really hurts to think she has a great home and new sister, we are not made of money, and she treats us like this. she also has no remorse for what she has done.
when she first came, almost 12 months ago, we made a huge point NOT to spoil her, we had to buy lots of clothes as she did not have any, but toys she shared with her sister mostly until it was her bithday( 4 months later) and now she has her own things.
We have had our 11 year old son with us now for 3.5 years. He's very loving and charming and easily wins the hearts of everyone he meetS. tHE problem is not only does he have ADHD, which is fairly well controlled on meds, thank goodness, but also is extremely defiant and oppositional. He talks back for everything that he is asked to do. He has begun to get violent with me, his mom, pushing me around. He adamantly refuses to do the simplest things. Coming from a household where his parents were drugged continually and he hardly had a decent meal, he is totally unappreciative of anything he gets. He's always complaining about his life, he has many difficulties making friends and maintaining friendships, he has no respect for other people's possessions in the house, he continually doesn't have respect for following rules. If he wants to do it and we tell him no, he'll do it anyway. He has told us he doesn't feel bad when he's doing something he shouldn't be, he only feels bad if he get caught. We have tried intense family preservation programs, therapists, etc. without success. My husband is ready to have a stroke and I am ready to put him in a group home.
I'm just sick of how ungrateful my gfg is. Is this part of being 13? He conned us into putting his presents under the tree. We lasted longer than last year, we just put them out about an hour ago. Now, mind you, we didn't put out any that SANTA brought, yet, so there's more to come. Yes, he still believes in Santa no matter how we discuss it. We seldom get ANY of his gifts out because he is relentless in begging to open. He CRIED because we didn't have LOTS of wrapped presents from his father and I. I swear I don't know how to respond. He makes me so angry....he feels SO entitled. What he hasn't seen yet is the skateboard we got for $140!!!!
Five years ago my husband and I adopted a foster kid who was 17 years old when he was placed with us. He was so engaging and charming, and talked about how much he wanted to be part of a Christian family.
Long story short, we were told he had Reactive Attachment Disorder when he was placed with us. In adulthood, that has morphed into Antisocial PD and Borderline PD. To give you an idea what our experience with our son has been, here is an email I wrote him yesterday after he got angry with me for calling him a "sociopath":
How can I pretend to like my ad son? He's 7 years old and is a smart mouth and does the opposite of what I say ALL THE TIME. I've punished him but it doesn't help. I work and my husband stays home with him. I know my husband needs to be more consistent and supply more structure and dicipline but he doesn't. I get to the point where I go down to the basement right when I get home from work, shut the door and stay there all night. I can't stand to be around him. What should I do? I want to love him and I find myself bonding with other kids because they act the way I would like my son to act.