Blogs From Perfect Adoptive Parents
More horrific adoptive parents complaining about the outcome of their parenting skills. Disturbing!
We adopted a boy at 3 years of age, and all seemed okay until fifth grade. Oh, there were the screaming fits with no apparent reason, or throwing all his toys out the window stuff, but that all made no sense and he was soon okay. Just bothersome that he always wanted me to buy him stuff - proof I loved him, so to say.
Sounds like normal kids, the screaming, throwing toys especially
the "bothersome" way the child always wanted the mom to buy him stuff.
Anyway, puberty was a Thursday, and it went downhill immediately. Overt sexuality; girlfriends he changed more often than his underwear; aggression; refusal to do school work; just not caring about anything. We arranged an anonymous meeting with his birthfamily, in the hopes of calming things down, and it seemed to help a bit.
I was unaware puberty begins in one single day. A young man walking around with a perpetual hard-on is normal puberty.
Changing girlfriends is normal and healthy, kids are not emotionally stable to understand long term relationships.
Why was the birth family meeting anonymous, how did it help?
But by seventh grade it was getting worse daily. He was thrown out of school - all sorts of teachers had earnestly tried to help him - and we began the journey of special schooling - running away - petty thievery - cops calling me to come pick him up and him running away inside of 2 hours. When my father-in-law died he actually came along to the funeral, had a suit bought for himself, and then started breaking stuff in Grandpa's garage and stealing from his cousin. We realized that he was stealing from us and purchased a safe and closets that lock.
What kid can afford to or want to buy a suit.
He was in therapy, but would not always go. Eventually he robbed an old lady and was thrown into jail. He spent 5 months in detention, then a year at a home that was going to "cure" him. They insisted he was not mentally ill (although I told them about ASPD, and about "What I loved" by Siri Hustveldt, a wonderful book), they were just going to discipline him and he would react as an ordinary person. They put him in a regular school - he goes most days, but does nothing except cause trouble and is flunking out.
We have him back in the first institution that provides very strict schooling from the fall. But they have no place for him to stay in their boarding school, so he will be coming home to sleep. He will be gone about 12 hours a day.
We had rather just gotten our lives organized without him, now he will be back - for how long? Are we strong enough to not let him manipulate us? I don't know. I applied for psychotherapy and was denied it. I "only" have trouble with my kid, that's not a sickness, they said. I can't afford to pay for it myself.
Excuses against counselling.
On the one hand, he has taken anti-aggression classes and is much, much calmer. On the other hand - will it all change if he comes back home? He currently has a girlfriend (and of course a few on the side) with a baby (not his). He is very gentle with the baby. But somehow I can't believe that he is that much better.
The other is his birthfather - the guy who killed his mother while he watched. Now we realize that the trauma needed to be taken care of RIGHT WHEN HE WAS SMALL. But all the "experts" told us to keep it quiet. Not mention it. He was so small. He will forget. He will get over it. But he didn't.
We told him when he was 6 and asked insistently. He told some kids at school when he was 10 and we got called in instantly and lectured that our son was watching too much TV and fantasizing. We said, no, that's true. Everyone hushed up, but no one did anything.
He should have been in psychiatric treatment before puberty. But we thought that love would heal all wounds. It didn't.
I suppose I am just scared that he is coming back inside, even when I put on a brave outside. It is nice to have a group here to