About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

The Dysfunctional Adoptive Family



dysfunctional Adoptive family is a family with biological children and or adoptive children in which conflict, misbehavior, and often child neglect and abuse on the part of individual parents occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions. Children sometimes grow up in such families with the understanding that such an arrangement is normal. Dysfunctional families are primarily a result of domination, narcissism, controlling and co-dependent adults, and may also be affected by addictions, such as substance and behavior abuse (alcohol,gambling etc.), or sometimes an untreated mental illness.  Dysfunctional parents may emulate, over-react or over-correct from their own dysfunctional ignorant parents. In some cases, a "child-like" parent will allow the dominant parent to abuse the children.


A common perception of dysfunctional families is the mistaken yet perpetual observation and re reoccurring threat that the parents are on the verge of separation and divorce due to verbal threats of divorce during parent altercations. While this is true in a few cases, often the marriage bond is very strong as the parents' faults actually complement each other. In short, they have nowhere else to go. However, this does not necessarily mean the family's situation is stable. Any major stressor, such as relocation, unemployment/underemployment, physical or mental illness, natural disaster, etc. can cause existing conflicts affecting the children to become much worse.
Dysfunctional families have no verbal, social, financial or intellectual boundaries. Nevertheless, until recent decades the concept of a dysfunctional family was not taken seriously by professionals (therapists, social workers, teachers, counselors, clergy, etc.), especially among the middle and upper classes. Any intervention would have been seen as violating the sanctity of marriage and increasing the probability of divorce, which was socially unacceptable at the time. Historically, children of dysfunctional families were expected to obey their parents (ultimately the father), and cope with the situation alone and still do.


Dysfunctional family members have common features and behavior patterns as a result of their experiences within the family structure. The parents use "old wives tales" as a borrowed form of parental wisdom "Do as I say, Not as I do". Unfortunately the first five to six years of life the child exclusively learns by the observation of the parent's behavior. In natural and normal child play the child reconstructs the parent's actions and in the language skill development the child copies, mimics what the parent is doing and saying at any given moment. Example of Mommy Dearest Movie the child mimics the mother combing her hair while accepting her latest academy award. The ignorant, selfish and self serving mother witnessing the "normal child play" behavior, becomes offended and thinks the child is mocking her and reacts by slapping the child's face. The child is too young to master the art of critical manipulation.  The young age reflects the child's honesty in observing the mother combing her hair and practicing an acceptance speech. Children reflect what they see, They do not focus on what words are chosen by a parent to discuss any topic. The beginning of the understanding and use of words and language begins to evolve in early to mid childhood. The parent's bad examples are not the use of foul language, but how the parent conducts herself each day. How mom behaves in the morning, how simple events can provoke angry responses, poor coping skills and reacting angrily to ordinary situations like waiting in line at the grocery store. When the parent behaves irrational or differently in front of others than in private, the behavior is remembered. When the mother looks angry, is shaking and verbally making sounds of disapproval yet not yelling or swearing, it will be remembered. As children are most in tune with the non verbal communication of their primary caregiver, mother. The non-speaking yet child is the most focused audience the mother will ever have, as the child lives through the mother at this stage of development, the child's non-verbal communication with the mother is at it's most potent point in the mother child relationship. The non verbal parental behavior   tends to reinforce the dysfunctional behavior, either through enabling or perpetuation. The parent punishes the child's behavior which is a reflection of the mother's behavior, that causes the mother to feel angry at the child, But the mother is in denial of how the mother behaves herself. The child becomes more confused as she grows and continues to copy the mother's behavior and is continually chastised for the bad behavior of the mother.
 The family unit can be affected by a variety of factors.

Common features

Near universal

Some features are common to most dysfunctional families:
  • Lack of empathy, understanding, and sensitivity towards certain family members, while expressing extreme empathy towards one or more members (or even pets) who have real or perceived "special needs". In other words, one family member continuously receives far more than he or she deserves, while another is marginalized.
  • Denial (refusal to acknowledge abusive behavior, possibly believing that the situation is normal or even beneficial; also known as the "elephant in the room.")
  • Inadequate or missing boundaries for self (e.g. tolerating inappropriate treatment from others, failing to express what is acceptable and unacceptable treatment, tolerance of physical, emotional or sexual abuse.)
  • Disrespect of others' boundaries (e.g. physical contact that other person dislikes; breaking important promises without just cause; purposefully violating a boundary another person has expressed)
  • Extremes in conflict (either too much fighting or insufficient peaceful arguing between family members)
  • Unequal or unfair treatment of one or more family members due to their birth order, gender, age, family role (mother, etc.), abilities, race, cast, etc. (may include frequent appeasement of one member at the expense of others, or an uneven enforcement of rules)

Non universal

Though not universal among dysfunctional families, and by no means exclusive to them, the following features are typical of dysfunctional families:
  • Abnormally high levels of jealousy or other controlling behaviors
  • Conflict influenced by marital status:
    • Between separated or divorced parents, usually related to, or arising from their breakup
    • Conflict between parents who remain married, often for the "perceived" sake of the children, but whose separation or divorce would in fact remove a detrimental influence on those children (must be evaluated on a case-by-case basis, as a breakup may harm children)
    • Parents who wish to divorce, but cannot due to financial, societal (including religious), or legal reasons
  • Children afraid to talk (within or outside the family) about what is happening at home, or are otherwise fearful of their parents
  • Abnormal sexual behavior such as adulterypromiscuity, or incest
  • Lack of time spent together, especially in recreational activities and social events ("We never do anything as a family")
  • Family members (including children) who disown each other, or refuse to be seen together in public (either unilaterally or bilaterally)

Specific examples

In many cases, the following would cause a family to be dysfunctional:
  • Families with older parents or immigrant parents who cannot cope with changing times or a different culture
  • A parent of the same sex never intercedes in father–daughter/mother–son relations on behalf of the child
  • Children who have no contact with the extended family of their mother or father due to disharmony, disagreement,prejudicefeuding, etc.
  • In a family with one rebellious child, the other children have to "walk on egg shells" to avoid the wrath of their parents.
  • Going beyond mere disagreement, an intense schism between family members regarding religion or ideology (e.g. a family member encouraging or having an abortion while others object on religious grounds; parents who support their country being at war, while children do not.)

Unhealthy parenting signs

List of unhealthy parenting signs which could lead to a family becoming dysfunctional:[5]
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Ridicule[6]
  • Conditional love[6]
  • Disrespect;[6] especially contempt
  • Emotional intolerance (family members not allowed to express the "wrong" emotions)[6]
  • Social dysfunction or isolation[6] (for example, parents unwilling to reach out to other families—especially those with children of the same gender and approximate age, or do nothing to help their "friendless" child)
  • Stifled speech (children not allowed to dissent or question authority)[6]
  • Denial of an "inner life" (children are not allowed to develop their own value systems)[6]
  • Being under- or over-protective
  • Apathy "I don't care!"
  • Belittling "You can't do anything right!"
  • Shame "Shame on you!"
  • Bitterness (regardless of what is said, using a bitter tone of voice)
  • Hypocrisy "Do as I say, not as I do"
  • Unforgiving "Saying sorry doesn't help anything!"
  • Judgmental statements or demonization "You are a liar!"
  • Either little or excessive criticism (e

  • Giving "mixed messages" by having a dual system of values (i.e. one set for the outside world, another when in private, or teaching divergent values to each child)
  • The absentee parent (seldom available for their child due to work overload, alcohol/drug abuse, gambling or other addictions)
  • Unfulfilled projects, activities, and promises affecting children "We'll do it later"
  • Giving to one child what rightly belongs to another
  • Gender prejudice (treats one gender of children fairly; the other unfairly)
  • Discussion and exposure to sexuality: either too much, too soon or too little, too late
  • Faulty discipline (i.e. punishment by "surprise") based more on emotions or family politics than established rules
  • Having an unpredictable emotional state due to substance abusepersonality disorder(s), or stress
  • Parents always (or never) take their children's side when others report acts of misbehavior, or teachers report problems at school
  • Scapegoating (knowingly or recklessly blaming one child for the misdeeds of another)
  • "Tunnel vision" diagnosis of children's problems (for example, a parent may think their child is either lazy or haslearning disabilities after he falls behind in school despite recent absence due to illness)
  • Older siblings given either no or excessive authority over younger siblings with respect to their age difference and level of maturity
  • Frequent withholding of consent ("blessing") for culturally common, lawful, and age-appropriate activities a child wants to take part in
  • The "know-it-all" (has no need to obtain child's side of the story when accusing, or listen to child's opinions on matters which greatly impact them)
  • Regularly forcing children to attend activities for which they are extremely over- or under-qualified (e.g. using a preschool to babysit a typical nine-year-old boy, taking a young child to poker games, etc.)
  • Either being a miser ("scrooge") in totality or selectively allowing children's needs to go unmet (e.g. father will not buy a bicycle for his son because he wants to save money for retirement or "something important")
  • Nature vs. nurture (parents, often non-biological, blame common problems on child's heredity, whereas faulty parenting may be the actual cause)

Dysfunctional parenting styles

Kids as pawns"

This occurs when a parent manipulates a child to achieve some negative result in the other parent, rather than communicating with them directly. Examples include verbal manipulation, gossip, trying to obtain information through the child (spying), or causing the child to dislike the other parent. There is no concern whatsoever for the damaging effects it has on children. While such manipulation is often prevalent in shared custody situations (due to separation or divorce), it can also take place in intact families, and is known as triangulation.

List of other dysfunctional parenting styles[edit]

  • "Using" (destructively narcissistic parents who rule by fear and conditional love)
  • Abusing (parents who use physical violence, or emotionally, or sexually abuse their children)
  • Perfectionist (fixating on order, prestige, power, and/or perfect appearances, while preventing their child from failing at anything)
  • Dogmatic or cult-like (harsh and inflexible discipline, with children not allowed, within reason, to dissent, questionauthority, or develop their own value system)
  • Inequitable parenting (going to extremes for one child while continually ignoring the needs of another)
  • Deprivation (control or neglect by withholding love, support, necessities, sympathypraiseattention, encouragement,supervision, or otherwise putting their children's well-being at risk)
  • Abuse among siblings (parents fail to intervene when an older sibling physically or sexually abuses a younger sibling)
  • Abandonment (a parent who willfully separates from their children, not wishing any further contact, and in some cases without locating alternative, long-term parenting arrangements, leaving them as orphans)
  • Appeasement (parents who reward bad behavior—even by their own standards—and inevitability punish another child's good behavior in order to maintain the peace and avoid temper tantrums "Peace at any price")
  • Loyalty manipulation (giving unearned rewards and lavish attention trying to ensure a favored, yet rebellious child will be the one most loyal and well-behaved, while subtly ignoring the wants and needs of their most loyal child currently)