About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Adopted Children Lacking Ability To Cope With Conflict


Adopted Child's Lack in Ability To Cope With Conflict

The conflict filled life of an adopted child places too many stress filled demands on the child in forced compliance. The adopted child has no choice in any regard for his adoption, the choice of adoptive parents is made by the adoption facilitator. The child is "not chosen by his adoptive parents". The fable of the Chosen Child told to adoptive children is an outright lie by the parents.
Patterns of recent developments in overseas adoption reinforces the fact that most children who are chosen by the adoptive parent are later returned to the country of origin or Re-Homed through the internet to dump all financial responsibility from the adoptive parents. The cruelty and toll of emotional damage of a second parent abandonment is critical to the growing dysfunction in the child's emotional well-being.                         In today's parental self-centered need of adoption mentality, the adopting parents believe a child will fill a need that the parent is lacking psychologically and usually narcissistic personality flaws are the temporary driving force to obtain the "child" answer to a mentally defect person. This is a common problem to adopted children's adoptive parents and the attempt to parent a child that has existing parents and family. There are many ways the adopted child attempts to please the dysfunctional parents, while treading water in attempts to cope at each situation. One of the many difficult consequences affecting adopted children effort to avoid conflict attempting to deal with stress, and compensate emotionally ending in dysfunction. Dysfunctional Coping strategy of Sublimation.

Sublimation – allows an “indirect resolution of conflict with neither adverse consequences nor consequences marked by loss of pleasure. Essentially, this mechanism allows channeling of troubling emotions or impulses into an outlet that is socially acceptable.
The Adoptive parent states "they have always been good up until they became teenagers"

The infant, baby, young child, mid childhood and late childhood,
the adopted child has not developed cognitive awareness, and are psychologically dependent on the adoptive parent. When the child reaches late childhood to early adolescence the adopted child begins to intelligently unravel the invalid story of adoption and reconstruct the series of events. The adopted child becomes aware of the missing pieces and information that is purposely left out by the adoptive parents. In the adopted child's growing awareness of reality, he sees the parents as not trustworthy and using deceptive tactics to keep the adoptive child ignorant and dependent. The child's experience of reality causes him great stress as he can not trust the deceptive adoptive parents with his feelings of anger, frustration and betrayal.

How can the adopted child continue to play the adoptive parent's parenting game of Denial? The entire life of the adopted child's feelings, anger and knowledge has been compartmentalized,  held in and subdued to benefit his adoptive parents perception of the good and compliant child. The adoptive child's acknowledgement of the adoptive parent's denial of reality cause the adopted child perpetual stress, anxiety and nervousness.
The adopted child can not understand the denial and lies by the parents. The adopted child now begins to question his entire existence, his identity, his name is no longer his name but a part of his parent's game of adoption denial or denial against him?
The adopted child is also an adolescent who is filled with confusion about who he is, who the adoptive parents want him to be, and who the adopted child wants to be, all cause him great anxiety that he must keep bottled up inside to the point he wants to explode!

The adoptive parents are distressed by the moody adoptive child and see his changes as insulting, disloyal and a potential risk to their happy lives. They begin sending him to the doctor, drugging him or admitting him to a psychiatric hospital. The dysfunctional adoptive parents threaten him with compliance.
Anger and frustration become the mode of communication and the adoptive child in his repressed anger from all of the injustice walks around in a state of stressful confusion and impending doom of his immediate future events of being ostracized, or kicked out of the adoptive family or intervention of law enforcement and worse. There is no where for him to turn,or go. The adopted child knows that he is not free or like his peers who are getting ready to embark on college life. The adopted child knows when all of his friends are off at college he will be the compliant son sitting with his parent exchanging pleasant conversation at the dinner table, or he will be incarcerated. That is his choice and will be his future of despair.  


Monday, December 30, 2013

Adopted Children's Forced Suppression of Anger, Biology of Response

Adopted Children's Forced Suppression of Anger
Biology of Response

The adopted child is conditioned to perform in the specific, coached appropriate responses. When these expectations are not properly met the controlling parent will react (instead of respond) with a large degree of hostility toward the defiant child.
The parent perceives the unacceptable response as a direct form of challenging the parent. Where narcissistic adoptive parents differ from normal biological child and parent, the parent has adopted the child to fulfill a stated purpose in the parent's plan
back at the time of adoption. The adoptive parent is chronically inconsistent with the adopted child, as more important tasks, and choice of how the adoptive parent prefers to spend their time. The adopted child is the stranger in a family's home, of which the relationship is a daily chore to reinforce. Unlike the biological parent and child relationship which is cohesive, natural and unconditional. The adoptive relationship is based on contract agreements, conditions and appropriate responses to please the parent.
The dysfunctional family environment fuels the frustration, anxiety and injustice toward the family's scapegoat. The unassigned position that grew with the child's age. The child
is not a valid family member, is temporary and is not expected or anticipated to linger beyond the age of majority. With the many assumptions, covert behavior, and general hostility  toward the perceived whipping boy. The adopted child has been conditioned early in life that his expression of emotions will not get him the attention he needs for food, comfort or nurturing.
Further the problem exists on a cognitive level where the child is often accused of misdeeds, unjustly punished and blamed for various reasons. As the adopted child receives attention and emotional aid from peers, friends, their families and teachers.
The adoptee realizes that his home life is different from the home and families of others. His cognitive and educational development has far surpassed the education capacity of the dominating parents. Yet he is not grown emotionally, and with the realization of his unfair treatment he is stalled and must remain compliant with his dominating parent.

Imagine this scenario or your own while reviewing below the
biological process of such a situation.

The act of holding-In your anger when your parent has wrongfully accused you, slapped your face and threatened you with unspeakable fear.    

How the body responds to conflict

The Biological Response to Conflict, Fear and Anger

The fight-or-flight response (also called the fight-or-flight-or-freeze responsehyperarousal, or the acute stress response
is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival. It was first described by Walter Bradford Cannon. His theory states that animals react to threats with a general discharge of the sympathetic nervous system, priming the animal for fighting or fleeing. More specifically, the adrenal medulla produces a hormonal cascade that results in the secretion of catecholamines, especially.

This response is recognized as the first stage of a general adaptation syndrome that regulates stress responses among vertebrates and other organisms

Autonomic nervous system

Sympathetic nervous system
Parasympathetic nervous system


The reaction begins in the amygdala, which triggers a neural response in the hypothalamus. The initial reaction is followed by activation of the pituitary gland and secretion of the hormone ACTH The adrenal gland is activated almost simultaneously and releases the neurotransmitter epinepherine. The release of chemical messengers results in the production of the hormone cortisol, which increases blood pressure, blood sugar, and suppresses the immune system. The initial response and subsequent reactions are triggered in an effort to create a boost of energy. This boost of energy is activated by epinephrine binding to liver cells and the subsequent production of glucose. Additionally, the circulation of cortisol functions to turn fatty acids into available energy, which prepares muscles throughout the body for response. Catecholamine hormones, such as adrenaline (epinephrine) or noradrenaline (norepinephrine), facilitate immediate physical reactions associated with a preparation for violent muscular action. These include the following:

Function of physiological changes

    The physiological changes that occur during the fight or flight response are activated in order to give the body increased strength and speed in anticipation of fighting or running. Some of the specific physiological changes and their functions include:
    • Increased blood flow to the muscles activated by diverting blood flow from other parts of the body.
    • Increased blood pressure, heart rate, blood sugars, and fats in order to supply the body with extra energy.
    • The blood clotting function of the body speeds up in order to prevent excessive blood loss in the event of an injury sustained during the response.
    • Increased muscle tension in order to provide the body with extra speed and strength.
    • The pupils dilate to help see with increased clarity.
    • Increased perspiration to prevent over-heating due to the increased metabolic rate.

    Evolutionary perspective

    An evolutionary psychology explanation is that early animals had to react to threatening stimuli quickly and did not have time to psychologically and physically prepare themselves. The fight or flight response provided them with the mechanisms to rapidly respond to threats against survival.


    A typical example of the stress response is a grazing zebra. If the zebra sees a  closing in for the kill, the stress response is activated. The escape requires intense muscular effort, supported by all of the body’s systems. The sympathetic nervous system’s activation rarely provides for these needs. A similar example involving fight is of a cat about to be attacked by a dog. The cat shows accelerated heartbeat, piloerection (hair standing on end, normally for conservation of heat), and pupil dilation, all signs of sympathetic arousal. Note that the zebra and cat still maintain homeostasis in all states.

    Emotional components

    Emotion regulation

    In the context of the fight or flight response, emotional regulation is used proactively to avoid threats of stress or to control the level of emotional arousal.

    Emotional reactivity

    During the reaction, the intensity of emotion that is brought on by the stimulus will also determine the nature and intensity of the behavioral response. Individuals with higher levels of emotional reactivity may be prone to anxiety and aggression, which illustrates the implications of appropriate emotional reaction in the fight or flight response.

    Cognitive components

    Content specificity

    The specific components of cognitions in the fight or flight response seem to be largely negative. These negative cognitions may be characterized by: attention to negative stimuli, the perception of ambiguous situations as negative, and the recurrence of recalling negative words. There are also may be specific negative thoughts associated with emotions commonly seen in the reaction.

    Perception of control

    Perceived control relates to an individual's thoughts about control over situations and events. Perceived control should be differentiated from actual control because an individual's beliefs about their abilities may not reflect their actual abilities. Therefore, overestimation or underestimation of perceived control can lead to anxiety and aggression.

    Social information processing

    Negative effects of the stress response in humans

    The stress response temporarily suppresses various biological processes such as sexual responses and digestive mechanisms. This is in an effort to focus on the stressor situation. While the fight or flight response is an adaptive reaction, prolonged increases in stress can cause a variety of negative physiological and psychological effects, including:

    Physiological effects
    • Headaches
    • Muscle tension and pain
    • Chest Pain
    • Fatigue
    • Changes in sex drive
    • Upset stomach
    • Problems Sleeping
    • Urinary Problems
    Psychological effects
    • Anxiety
    • Restlessness
    • Lack of motivation or focus
    • Irritability or anger
    • Depression
    Behavioral effects
    • Overeating and under eating
    • Drug and Alcohol abuse
    • Social withdrawal
    • Prolonged stress responses may result in chronic suppression of the immune system, leaving the body open to infections. However, there is a short boost of the immune system shortly after the fight or flight response has been activated. This may have filled an ancient need to fight the infections in a wound that one may have received during interaction with a predator.
      Stress responses are sometimes a result of mental disorders such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, in which the individual shows a stress response when remembering a past trauma, and panic disorder, in which the stress response is activated by the catastrophic misinterpretations of bodily sensations.

    Looking Back at Holiday Triggers Leading to Dysfunction

    Holiday Triggers of extraordinary Painful Memories

    Why holidays are so significant to victims of child abuse. Certain
    things that set off, anger and offend the narcissist Parent, cause her to react. She will pick a fight within the family of the dysfunctional home at Christmas. The trigger for the narcissist is not known in this scenario but there is one the narcissist will never disclose.

    The yearly pattern of parents fighting about the Christmas tree.

    1. The Christmas Tree.,

    Is one of my bad memory major bad triggers!
    I make a million excuses not to get one to avoid the memories.
    Dad would bring home an insufficient one every year.
    Mother wanted it flocked, last year it was flocked....
     A Douglas fir, not a Douglas fur, It's crooked, too thin, to big...
    The vicious arguing about his stupidity would morph into a fight.
    Mom would throw a tantrum at how terrible the tree looked.
    Mother always sent father back to get another tree.
    yet mother would never go with him to pick out the tree.
    The second, third tree that would suffice created a new tension.
    Father would go to extremes of anger in putting on the stand.
    Cussing screaming and yelling curse words as he would cut his
    hands repeatedly bleeding on the tree and the front walk.
    If the kids said that the tree was OK, pretty or it would do, mother would become enraged at the child who butted in!
    Giving father support with his bloody hand cuts would make him mad, Mother would berate him and his "pathetic" helper would get the silent treatment or worse.

    Why We Remember...
    This pattern of intentional malice behavior regarding the family Christmas tree, went on year after year in childhood. Because of the conditioned stress and agitation that the situation created predictably the memories were created in a perpetual fear base, thus the memory is recalled for the purpose of fight or flight, to be used in survival mode and memory is crystal clear word for word and related provoking actions. Memories created under stressful conditions are remembered forever and never forgotten.

    Sunday, December 29, 2013

    Alice Miller's Books Exploring and Explaining Parental Cruelty

    Books By Alice Miller Explaining Parental Cruelty

    The short explanation of parental behaviors explained by Miller.

    The Drama of the Gifted Child (Das Drama des begabten Kindes, 1979) 

    In her first book (also published under the titles Prisoners of Childhood and The Drama of the Gifted Child), Miller defined and elaborated the personality manifestations of childhood trauma. She addressed the two reactions to the loss of love in childhood, depression and grandiosity; the inner prison, the vicious circle of contempt, repressed memories the etiology of depression, and how childhood trauma manifests itself in the adult.
    Miller writes: "Quite often we are face here with patients who have been praised and admired for their talents and their achievements. According to prevailing, general attitudes these people--the pride of their parents--should have had a strong stable sense of self-assurance. But exactly the opposite is the case... In my work with these people, I found that every one of them has a childhood history that seems significant to me:
    • There was a mother who at the core was emotionally insecure, and who depended for her narcississtic equilibrium on the child behaving, or acting, in a particular way. This mother was able to hide her insecurity from the child and from everyone else behind a hard, authoritarian and even totalitarian facade.
    • This child had an amazing ability to perceive and respond intuitively, that is, unconsciously, to this need of the mother or of both parents, for him to take on the role that had unconsciously been assigned to him.
    • This role secured "love" for the child--that is, his parents narcissistic cathexis. He could sense that he was needed and theis, he felt, guaranteed him a measure of existential security.
    This ability is then extended and parefected. Later, these children not only become mothers (confidantes, advisers, supporters) of their own mothers, but also take over the responsibility for their siblings and eventually develop a special sensitivity to unconscious signals manifesting the needs of others.

    For Your Own Good (Am Anfang war Erziehung, 1980) 

    Miller proposed here that German traumatic childrearing produced heroin addict Christine F.., serial killer of children Jurgen  Bartsh and dictator Adolph Hitler. Children learn to accept their parents' often abusive behaviour against themselves as being "for their own good." In the case of Hitler, it led to displacement against the Jews and other minority groups. For Miller, the traditional pedagogic process was manipulative, resulting in grown-up adults deferring excessively to authorities, even to tyrannical leaders or dictators, like Hitler. Miller even argued for abandoning the term "pedagogy" in favor of the word "support," something akin to what psycho-historians call the helping mode of parenting.
    In the Poisonous Pedagogy section of the book, Miller does a thorough survey of 19th century child-rearing literature in the book, citing texts which recommend practices such as exposing children to dead bodies in order to teach them about the sexual functions of human anatomy (45–46), resisting the temptation to comfort screaming infants (41–43), and beating children who haven't committed any specific offense as a kind of conditioning would help them to understand their own evil and fallen nature.
    The key element that Miller elucidated in this book was the understanding of why the German nation, the "good Germans," were compliant with Hitler's abusive regime, which Miller asserted was a direct result of how the society in general treated its children. She raised fundamental questions about current, worldwide child-rearing practices and issued a stern warning.


    Thou Shalt Not Be Aware (Du sollst nicht merken, 1981) 

    Unlike Miller's later books, this one is written in a semi-academic style. It was her first critique of psychoanalysis, charging it with being similar to the poisonous pedagogies, which she described in For Your Own Good. Miller was critical of both Freud and Carl Jung. She scrutinized Freud's drive theory, a device that, according to her and Jeffrey Masson, blames the child for the abusive sexual behavior of adults. Miller also theorized about Franz Koffka, who was abused by his father but fulfilled the politically correct function of mirroring abuse in metaphorical novels, instead of exposing it.
    In the chapter entitled "The Pain of Separation and Autonomy," Miller examined the authoratarian (e.g.: Old Testament, Papist, Calvinist) interpretation of Judeo Christian deism and its parallels to modern parenting practice, asserting that it was Jesus's father Joseph who should be credited with Jesus's departure from the dogmatic Judiasm of his time. Miller's views were similar to those in Jack Miles's 1996 Pultizer Prize winner, God A Biography, questioning man's representations and character of God rather than the existence or deity of God.


    The Untouched Key (Der gemiedene Schlüssel, 1988) 

    This book was partly a psychobiography of Neitzniche, Picasso, Kollowitz and Buster Keaton; (in Miller's later book, The Body Never Lies, published in 2005, she included similar analyses of Dostoyevsky, Chekov, Schiller, Rimbauld, Mishima, Proust and James Joyce).
    According to Miller, Nietzsche did not experience a loving family and his philosophical output was a metaphor of an unconscious drive against his family's oppressive theological tradition. She believed that the philosophical system was flawed because Nietzsche was unable to make emotional contact with the abused child inside him. Though Nietzsche was severely punished by a father who lost his mind when Nietzsche was a little boy, Miller did not accept the genetic theory of madness. She interpreted Nietzsche's psychotic breakdown as the result of a family tradition of Prussian modes of child-rearing.

    Banished Knowledge (Das verbannte Wissen, 1988) 

    In this more personal book Miller shared that she herself was abused as a child. She also introduced the fundamental concept of "enlightened witness": a person who was willing to support a harmed individual, empathize with her and help her to gain understanding of her own biographical past.
    Banished Knowledge is autobiographical in another sense. It is a pointer in Miller's thoroughgoing apostasy from her own profession—psychoanalysis. She believed society was colluding with Freud's theories in order to not know the truth about our childhood, a truth that human cultures have "banished." She concluded that the feelings of guilt instilled in our minds since our most tender years reinforce our repression even in the psychoanalytic profession.

    Breaking Down the Wall of Silence (Abbruch der Schweigemauer, 1990) 

    Written in the aftermath of the fall of the Berlin Wall, Miller took to task the entirety of human culture. What she called the "wall of silence" is the metaphorical wall behind which society — academia, psychiatrists, clergy, politicians and members of the media — has sought to protect itself: denying the mind-destroying effects of child abuse. She also continued the autobiographical confession initiated in Banished Knowledge about her abusive mother. In Pictures of a Childhood: Sixty-six Watercolors and an Essay, Miller said that painting helped her to ponder deeply into her memories. In some of her paintings, Miller depicted baby Alice as swaddled, sometimes by an evil mother.
    I betrayed that little girl [...]. Only in recent years, with the help of therapy, which enabled me to lift the veil on this repression bit by bit, could I allow myself to experience the pain and desperation, the powerlessness and justified fury of that abused child. Only then did the dimensions of this crime against the child I once was, become clear to me.
    In a The New York Times obituary of April 26, 2010 British psychologist Oliver James is quoted saying that Alice Miller "is almost as influential as R.D. Laing.

    Poisonous Pedagogy Explained

    Poisonous Pedagogy Explained

    Too many american adoptees in closed adoptions are raised in the old school brutality by ignorant past generation's failures in parenting. The religious excuse to abuse children into submission by "honor thy parents" doctrines. Beat your child instead of your spouse was a spineless mothers choice.

    Poisonous pedagogy, also known as black pedagogy, from the original German name Schwarze Pädagogik, is a psychological and sociological term describing a subset of traditional child-raising methods which modern sociologists and psychologists describe as repressive and harmful. It includes behaviors and communication that theorists consider to be manipulative or violent, such as corporal punishment, striking, slapping, beating a child.
     The psychologist Alice Miller used the concept to describe child-raising approaches that, she believes, damage a child's emotional development. Miller claims that this alleged emotional damage promotes adult behavior harmful to individuals.
    "Poisonous pedagogy", is described by these theorists as what happens when a parent (or teacher, nurse, or other caregiver) believes that a young child's behavior demonstrates that the child is infected with the "seeds of evil", and therefore attempts to weed out the evil, either by emotional manipulation or by brute force. Simple examples include the beating of children as punishment for lying, or mothers who refuse to feed their newborn until a set time, in order to "teach him patience, which will be useful for him in later life".
    Poisonous pedagogy, in Katharina Rutschky's definition, aims to inculcate a social superego in the child, to construct a basic defense against drives in the child's psyche, to toughen the child for later life, and to instrumentalize the body parts and senses in favor of socially defined functions. Although not explicitly, "poisonous pedagogy" serves, these theorists allege, as a rationalization of sadism and a defense against the feelings of the parent himself or of the person involved.
    For methods, Rutschky claims, "poisonous pedagogy" makes use of initiation rites (for example, internalizing a threat of death), the application of pain (including psychological), the totalitarian supervision of the child (body control, behavior, obedience, prohibition of lying, etc.), taboos against touching, the denial of basic needs, and an extreme desire for order.

    Historical background


    In the 18th century common notions of the evil nature of children or of taming bear witness to superstitions and the wish to be able to train human beings like animals.
    One German child-raising book in the 18th century said: "These first years have, among other things, the advantage that one can use force and compulsion. With age children forget everything they encountered in their early childhood. Thus if one can take away children's will, they will not remember afterward that they had had a will."
    In Germany the parental right to discipline was abolished by a change in the law in 2000. The Federal Minister for Family Affairs from 1994 to 1998 Claudia Nolte had wanted to maintain parents' right to use mild spanking, contrary to the views of Alice Miller in her 1980 book For Your Own Good.
    Miller has written: "I understand 'black pedagogy' to be a parenting approach that is directed toward breaking the will of the child, in order to make it an obedient subject, with the aid of open or concealed use of force, manipulation, and repression."

    Psychological background

    A relevant criterion in defining poisonous pedagogy is if a manipulative approach reveals behavioural issues in the parent such as a blindness to feelings, cruelty or a tendency toward violence, or if strong negative emotions such as anger or hate are being discharged, emotions against which the juvenile or infant psyche, with its age-based limitations, cannot defend itself.
    Miller also came to the conclusion, as a result of her therapeutic work, that she needed to "work on" her own childhood in order to understand her clients better. She takes the view that "poisonous pedagogy" is a behavior that is passed on from generation to generation by being euphemized and sanitized.

    Friday, December 27, 2013

    The Damages to Adoptive Children of Narcissist Parenting



    In this article the psychoanalyst identifies two very serious injuries to the child's developing self, is deliberately damaged by the narcissist parent.

    1. The undeveloped sense of who they are (the child).
    2. If the biological parent doesn't love the child, they are not worthy of being loved.
    Now we must see the unacceptable adopted child who was not loved by the biological parent, Secondly is not loved by the substitute adoptive parent with narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissism is an unfortunate common quality of a large population of adoptive parents. The supporting evidence for the Adoption Paradox compounds the effects on adopted children in new ways with each inquiry.  "The Narcissistic Victim Syndrome" is the child's dysfunction created by the narcissist parent's utilization of the human child. 

    Qualities of a Narcissist

    Before you consider how narcissism affects children, it helps to recognize the condition. Narcissists are usually unresponsive to the needs of others, are self-absorbed, indifferent, lack empathy, are shallow, cannot relate to other people in a meaningful way, need much attention, consider themselves to be special, and are often arrogant and contemptuous -- not exactly the qualities of a nurturing and loving parent. Children cannot develop emotionally when a narcissist raises them, says Gudrun Zomerland, a licensed California marriage and family therapist. They wind up with an undeveloped sense of who they really are.

    Not Good Enough

     Children raised by narcissists grow up believing they’re not worthy of being loved. If their own parents don’t love them, many children logically wonder who will. Children of narcissists figure that their parents might love them if only they were better looking, smarter or better athletes. It doesn’t occur to a child that the issue might lie with the parent. By the time the child matures enough to understand the parent’s dysfunction, the damage has already been done.

    Surviving Holiday With Narcissistic Sabotage of Triangulation


    Surviving the Holiday With Narcissistic Sabotage of Triangulation

    The Christmas day was met with panic attacks, anxiety and the overwhelming crippling memories of past holiday miseries. As usual struggling to maintain normality without the attendance of parties and invites, I made it to the calm big day. When my own
    offspring, manipulated by the narcissist to bring the bomb that should be responsible as my reminder that I am a bad person, to upset me or create tension. I was immediately able to identify the action, first as "the last word"., Then after consulting the Wikipedia encyclopedia of psychological manipulation I narrowed the malice driven action down to narcissistic "Triangulation".  
    The word that is the most applicable, common and predictable to the estranged relationship with the adoptive family and the narcissistic mother's "window" that all must talk through mother to communicate with each other. This obvious dysfunctional game that I refuse to play anymore, I was forced to play on Christmas day.
    Let's review the triangulation manipulation:
    The term triangulation is most commonly used to express a situation in which one family member will not communicate directly with another family member, but will communicate with a third family member, which can lead to the third family member becoming part of the triangle. The concept originated in the study of dysfunctional family systems, but can describe behaviors in other systems as well, including work.

    Triangulation can also be used as a label for a form of "splitting" ( the person outside the narcissist's comfort zone is either 'all good or all bad', black or white as the narcissist defines a person in splitting)  in which one person plays the third family member against one that he or she is upset about. This is playing the two people against each other, but usually the person doing the splitting will also engage in character assassination, only with both parties.
     Below is just about the best simply put narrative on the aspects of narcissism in dysfunctional families. Avoid of the commonly seen/read qualities of narcissism, and focuses more on the child victims of parents with narcissistic personality disorder.

    The Specific Issues That
    Adult Children Of Narcissists
    Need To Deal With

     A very significant factor for adult children of narcissists is that they may not know that one or both of their parents are narcissists! They will typically know that there was something wrong with their childhood or that their parents were different in some way, but they may not actually recognize their parents for what they were or are.
    This puts them at a great disadvantage because until they understand narcissism and mind control, they may have considerable difficulties in their lives without knowing why. Difficulties such as feeling inferior to others despite their achievements, sacrificing their needs to serve others, and even feeling guilty as adults about 'disobeying' their parents, sometimes even long after the parents are dead!
    Unless they deliberately undo the manipulation suffered at the hands of their parents, adult children of narcissists will have many ideas and beliefs that are so deeply embedded that they never even consider questioning these things. We will discuss some of these ideas/beliefs later, but first lets consider identity.

    Undeveloped personalities

    Narcissistic parents don't allow their children to develop their own personalities. The children may be reared to be a source of narcissistic supply, or they can be almost totally ignored. Either way they do not receive the love, affection and reassurance that children require in order to grow into independent and loving adults.
    Whenever a child begins to make their own decisions, or express their desires, these are moulded or manipulated by the narcissistic parent for their own personal benefit. The child may even be punished for daring to be themselves.
    Oftentimes, boundaries are not even allowed to develop between the child and the narcissist. The narcissist treats the child as an extension of themselves with the result that the child, not knowing anything else, never learns to be completely separate from others. The children then have to consider the effects of their words and their actions on the narcissist before they even speak or act.

    This shows up in the adult children of narcissists as being overly sensitive to the moods of others, always caring for others to the detriment of themselves, being unable to share intimate things with a partner, going against the wishes of a partner because they don't want to upset a parent, thinking they have to obey others to be loved, always trying to please others, being the peace-maker during arguments and so on.

    More abusive relationships

    The sad fact is that many adult children of narcissists end up in abusive relationships. Narcissists and psychopaths are constantly on the lookout for new victims and Children will often seek out partners who are similar to their parents, too. After all, this is what they have learnt and are comfortable with. Adult children of narcissists are no different and if they have not learnt about narcissism, they will think that this is how life is. They may even believe that they were not meant to be happy in this life, but their job is to serve and look after others.


    Narcissists keep their children very dependent. But it goes way beyond the normal dependency of childhood where the child is dependent of the parent for warmth, food, shelter etc.
    A narcissistic mother will often keep their children naive and gullible, telling them how dangerous the world is and reinforcing constantly (in subtle and not so subtle ways) that the child could never manage in the world alone.
    And it often goes even deeper than this. The children 
    learn that if the parent is in a good mood, then it's ok for them to be too. If the parent is in a bad mood, the child feels bad too (but obviously for different reasons!). The child ends up depending on the parent to know if they are ok or not.
    And because there are so few boundaries between the parent and child, the child may even depend on the parent to know who they are. The combination of praise and criticism from a manipulative parent further increases dependency.
    'You're nothing!' 'You're useless!' 'You are worthless!' These expressions, said in anger with the intention of hurting, followed by a sudden change of mood and a stream of words designed to placate and make the child feel good, create and maintain dependency. And even adult children of narcissists will continue to respond in the same way to this pattern.
    Add to all this the fear of abandonment, which may be deliberately evoked by the cruel and ruthless narcissist, and it's no wonder that the adult children of narcissists don't have a well developed personality of their own!

    Fear and guilt

    Fear and guilt are 2 major emotions used in mind control techniques to dominate and manipulate others. Narcissists are no stranger to this fact, even if they don't use this exact terminology.
    Adult children of narcissists are often hypervigilant to the moods of others as we have already noted. This is based on fear, even though the person may not consider it fear. It is just a normal state for them!
    But, in effect, they are experiencing a chronic stress state which takes its toll over time.
     And fourthly, and most importantly, when mind control is involved, the manipulator is guilty. It is never the fault of the victim.
    The adult children of narcissists often take some time to understand and integrate this idea but it does come when there is a good understanding of both narcissism and mind control. And it is very important to grasp this. The victims of narcissists are not guilty of anything.
    It is not their fault. They have been tricked, conned, duped, lied to, cheated and deceived. They are not to blame. It is not their fault.
    It is an enormous relief for the adult children of narcissists to appreciate this idea, and it's an important part of their recovery process. It often takes some time for them to really incorporate this, but it's worth the effort.

    The guilt thing

    Narcissists typically blame others for everything. Nothing is ever their fault and responsibility is a concept they don't care for. Their children, therefore, learn that they will get the blame for everything.
    This carries over into the adult children of narcissists in many ways.
    One particularly insidious (and destructively self-perpetuating) form is the idea that the adult children of narcissists need to work on forgiving themselves for abandoning their real self as a child, or for tolerating the abuse for so long etc.
    First of all, the child did not abandon their self. The adult never allowed it to develop. Secondly, children do not make such decisions early in life. Thirdly, the child was not even aware of what was going on to be able to make such choices.
    And fourthly, and most importantly, when mind control is involved, the manipulator is guilty. It is never the fault of the victim.

    The emotions
    The adult children of narcissists are usually not allowed to express their emotions freely. This may lead to all sorts of problems, emotional outbursts, a feeling of being overwhelmed, underlying anger or rage, inability to express emotions in intimate relationships and so on.
    Learning that it's ok and, even desirable, to let others know what you are feeling is a big step in undoing the damage done by narcissistic parents.

    'Sibling rivalry'

    Competition between siblings is often used by narcissists to control and dominate the family. Or one child is manipulated into taking the narcissist's side and may even be used to punish other siblings.
    Remember, none of the siblings are at fault. They have literally been made by the parent to act this way.
    The 'chosen one' often stays on the side of the narcissistic parent, defending them and berating the 'scapegoat'.
    The scapegoat is more likely to recognize that there are problems and more likely to seek help.
    The question often arises about whether the adult children of narcissists who understand what happened should try to educate the others about the true nature of the narcissistic parent. This is probably best considered a personal decision which an individual needs to make for themselves.

    Contact or not?

    The adult children of narcissists who realize that their parent(s) is a narcissist often make a decision not to have contact with that parent. This seems very harsh to those who do not understand narcissism, but makes perfect sense when you consider that those with malignant narcissism do not change, and further contact with them simply gives them an opportunity to continue manipulating and abusing their children.

    Professional help
    Sorting out identities, dealing with profound belief changes, learning how to express emotions freely, developing a very different perspective on parents and the world in general... adult children of narcissists have a lot of work in order to establish some level of normality in their lives.
    Professional help is invaluable. An expert who understands narcissism and mind control can save you years of effort as well as helping you avoid the pitfalls inherent in the recuperation.
    Of course, it's possible to do it alone, but just remember, thinking that you can do it alone may be a result of the domination by the narcissist and it is designed to keep you isolated and away from people who can actually help you.

    Link to Article:

    Thursday, December 26, 2013

    Narcissistic Victim Syndrome


                               "The Narcissistic Victim Syndrome"

    The Blog: Sanctuary For The Abused.blogspot.com, Has a multitude of excellent resources for the abused person, Helpful in the understanding of the abused person, and great knowledge base of research on the entire platform of abuse topics. In the search for "What is wrong with me" I have found the most helpful action is the reading, knowledge and self education of information from all platforms. Encyclopedias, text books, help books, blogs, psychiatry, psychology, neurology, medical, and counselling publications, Question and answer, etc. The most important is the "Search itself" every topic, key word and things stumbled across that might not be related will enhance your knowledge base on all subjects and most everything you read in the research will bisect another topic of educational awareness.
    The most vital tool to evolve out of the stagnant ignorance of every age or phase in life, is to read. The age you were the last time you read with the intent to learn, is where you stopped growing in a mental capacity. John smith graduated high school in 1960 and never again picked up a textbook, encyclopedia or informational topic, John's mental growth stopped and stayed at 17 years old mentally for 53 years. John is 71 years old with the mental capacity and understanding of the world from a seventeen year old child's point of view. He is cemented in his mental behavior and utilizes control, bullying and other behaviors to boost his ego, make others feel inferior and dominate his wife and children to boost his damaged ego from the society that passed him by. Common behavior of the narcissist to demand the respect of accomplishment with out the work and success of the accomplished. Meanwhile John's mean disposition, jealousy, brutality towards others and his outdated education are the pillars of his need to feel superior. Unfortunately john's coping mechanisms the ability to continue coping strategy is based on the manipulation of others to create his deceptive self esteem by standing on his crushed family's shoulders, while damaging their future mental. After John is long dead and buried, his manipulating narcissistic behavior lives an entirely new lifespan continuing on in his wife's, children's mental dysfunction. The wife and children's DENIAL of father's narcissistic behavior will continue uninterrupted, perpetuate and live on to corrupt the next generation of narcissism and victim   syndromes...and the next generation. Potentially damaging  cycles for 300 years and on in denial. The victims seeking counselling, psychological evaluation, behavioral education help will stop the cycle of father's or grandfather's narcissist behavior damage and become hyperventilate about the creation of mentally healthy environments for the next generation grand child. Effects and behaviors will still linger and spill, but the psychologically educated parent can identify and monitor their own behavior to correct problems that they the parents create with from the lingering effects of dad's narcissism and their own Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

    Link to Article:http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-place-of-cognitive-dissonance-in.html

    The place of “Cognitive Dissonance” in Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

    Stockholm syndrome involves the victim paradoxically forming a positive relationship with their oppressor; this is called “Trauma Bonding”. When victims of narcissistic are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, they are often seen by outsiders as somehow having participated in some bizarre way that seems to support their abuse. However, to understand how the trauma bonding occurs, it is especially relevant to understand what is involved in the decision-making and problem-solving process of the victim. This theory is known as Cognitive Dissonance.

    If therapists are to understand the behaviour of clients who have been victims of narcissistic abuse, then it is crucial for them to appreciate why the victim combines the two unhealthy conditions of Stockholm Syndrome and Cognitive Dissonance as part of their survival strategy. When these two strategies are in place, the victim firmly believes that their relationship is not only acceptable, but also vital for their survival. They become so enmeshed in the relationship with the abuser, that they feel that their world (mental and emotional) would fall apart if the relationship ended. This explains why they fear those people who attempt to rescue them from their abuser, and how this creates the victim to develop cognitive dissonance and become protective of their abuser.

    Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term which describes the uncomfortable tension that results from having two conflicting thoughts at the same time, or from engaging in behavior that conflicts with one’s beliefs (Rational Wiki). Cognitive Dissonance is a communication theory that was published by Leon Festinger 1957, a theory that changed the way in which social psychology was to look at human decision-making and behaviour. The concept of cognitive dissonance is almost self explanatory by its title: ‘Cognitive’ is to do with thinking (or the mind); while ‘dissonance’ is concerned with inconsistencies or conflicts. Simply speaking, cognitive dissonance is the discomfort a person experiences whenever they are holding two conflicting ideas simultaneously (i.e. Shall I wear the red or the blue dress?). Naturally, people do not like the discomfort of conflicting thoughts; this theory proposes that when this happens, people have a motivational drive within them that allows them to rationalize and change their attitudes, beliefs, values and actions, anything that allows them to reduce or dissolve the dissonance they are experiencing (i.e Which makes my bum look smallest?) . When it co
    comes to victims of abuse, there are several behaviours that a victim may use for reducing their cognitive dissonance. For a start they may try to ignore or eliminate it, or they may try to alter its importance, they may even create new cognitions, but most importantly they will try to prevent it from happening in the first place. 
    Victims living in a household where there is narcissistic abuse are living in a torturous war zone, where all forms of power and control are used against them (intimidation; emotional, physical and mental abuse; isolation, economic abuse, sexual abuse, coercion etc.). The threat of abuse is always present, and it usually gets more violent and frequent as time goes on. The controlling narcissistic environment puts the victim in a dependency situation, where they experience an extreme form of helplessness which throws them into panic and chaos. The narcissist creates a perverse form of relationship wherein the victim has no idea of what will happen next (alternating between acts of kindness or aggressive raging). This prolonged torturous situation is likely to trigger old negative scripts of the victim’s childhood internal object relations (attachment, separation and individuation). To survive the internal conflict, the victim will have to call on all their internal resources and defense strategies in order to manage their most primitive anxieties of persecution and annihilation. In order to survive, the victim has to find ways of reducing their cognitive dissonance, the strategies they employ may include; justifying things by lying to themselves 

    Victims living in a household where there is narcissistic abuse are living in a torturous war zone, where all forms of power and control are used against them (intimidation; emotional, physical and mental abuse; isolation, economic abuse, sexual abuse, coercion etc.). The threat of abuse is always present, and it usually gets more violent and frequent as time goes on. The controlling narcissistic environment puts the victim in a dependency situation, where they experience an extreme form of helplessness which throws them into panic and chaos. The narcissist creates a perverse form of relationship wherein the victim has no idea of what will happen next (alternating between acts of kindness or aggressive raging). This prolonged torturous situation is likely to trigger old negative scripts of the victim’s childhood internal object relations (attachment, separation and individuation). To survive the internal conflict, the victim will have to call on all their internal resources and defense strategies in order to manage their most primitive anxieties of persecution and annihilation. In order to survive, the victim has to find ways of reducing their cognitive dissonance, the strategies they employ may include; justifying things by lying to themselves 
    regress into infantile patterns, and bond with their narcissistic captor. Most defense mechanisms are fairly unconscious, so the victim is unaware of using them in the moment; all they are intent on is surviving the madness they find themselves in.

    As you can imagine, these states of mind throw the victim into any number of inner conflicts where defense mechanisms are called for, cognitive dissonance being one. 

    For example, a woman who is abused by her narcissistic spouse will hate the conditions she is living in. However with the real fear of a violent reprisal from her captor if she tried to leave, she will more likely choose to stay put. The cognitive dissonance shows itself through rationalization: On the one hand: she abhors her unhealthy relationship and all the abuse that goes with it; while on the other hand, she tells herself that he only fights with her because he loves and cares for her. This inner dialogue reduced her anxiety, allowing her to bond (Stockholm Syndrome) with her abuser, to the point that she will even protect him from the outside world if people attempt to rescue her or encourage her to leave. The result is that a massive draining conflict ensues between the person’s emotional self and their rational reasoning self. Their “cognitive dissonance” is a sign of the disharmony the victim is experiencing as a result of two conflicting ideas going on at the same time; i.e. the victim knows that they should get out of the abusive situation, but they also know that to do so will put them (and possibly their children) in great danger. While experiencing cognitive dissonance they may adopt a pattern of denial, diversion and defensiveness to control their discomfort. In the cognitive dissonance theory, the decision that decides which path the victim will take will be likely to be the path that causes the least emotional stress. In order to reduce the dissonance, the victim will choose the path of least resistance, and their motivational drive will support their beliefs and justify any decision that helps them stay safe. As you can imagine, the cognitive dissonance can lead to irrational decision making as the person struggles to reconcile these two conflicting beliefs. 

    Researchers suggest that it is actually the cognitive dissonance that causes the victims to choose to stay put with their abuser. Furthermore, in order to support their seemingly irrational decisions to stay put in the abusive relationship, the victim makes heavy investments that almost cements them into the bad relationship forever. 

    There are six types of investment the victim may get embroiled in that helps to reduce their cognitive dissonance:-

    Emotional Investment: Unable to get out of the relationship due to the fear of what will happen to them, the victim decides that they should stay, and see it through to the bitter end. The victim convinces themselves that “things are not that bad”, especially when the narcissistic abuser shows them acts of kindness. Their trauma bonding is interpreted as love. They use that love to feel compassion for their narcissistic abuser; they may even make excuses that their abuser suffered so much hurt and pain in their own childhood, that they cannot help the way they are. They convince themselves that by loving their abuser as much as possible they will heal their wounds, and then everything will be alright. They continue in this way, investing so much emotion in the relationship, (i.e. They shed so many tears, blaming themselves for upsetting their abuser, becoming responsible for their abusers feelings and behaviour. They worry for their abuser in case they harm someone and end up in jai. They even end up blaming themselves when there is another eruption (“I caused the upset, I should have known better”). They even go so far as to convince themselves that their abuser is the victim of society, and therefore must be protected from everybody.

    Social Investment: The biggest social investment the victim makes is to the person nearest to them, their narcissistic abuser. The narcissist’s superiority will demand that they are the most important one in the relationship, and the victim (in time) will comply with that arrangement. It does not help that society in general has a matter-of fact attitude toward victims, they do not understand why a victim would stay in such an abusive relationship, let alone protect the abuser. This response can create a further helplessness within the victim, which leaves them feeling isolated and alienated. With a sense of damage to their pride, and deep feelings of shame, the victim begins to avoid further social embarrassment and uncomfortable situations, 
    alienating themselves further with their abuser. Isolated, dependent and dis-spirited, the way is paved for more acceptance of the abuser, and the victim stays in the relationship. They become caught in a cycle with their abuser that involves a sequence of violent episodes, followed by an absence of battering, once again tension building, and finally tension escalating into another violent episode where they get hurt. Around and around it goes, and helplessly the victim looses all hope, so they settle for investing their loyalty there.

    Family Investments: For a start, a narcissist is preoccupied in self investment, therefore they expect everybody to pamper to their false self (sadly their true self is in a state of atrophy). If the narcissist is a spouse, then the partner is going to have to invest heavily in their abuser until they are emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually bankrupt. The narcissist requires perfect mirroring and stroking continuously, when they don’t get it, they withdraw (this withdrawal is likely to lead to danger for the victim). Step by step the supposed closeness is disappearing, and the victim experiences this as a great loss (and fear), seeing this, the narcissist feels a sense of power and control. In their withdrawal state, the narcissist is going to loose their sense of specialness, power and omnipotence, this makes them very susceptible to narcissistic injury. When there is narcissistic injury, the terror monster is released, and all of the family is likely to encounter their rage. All of this is going to evoke anxiety on the victimized partner, not just around their own safety, but also for the safety of the children. The narcissist suffers from a chronic evasive pattern that does not change. 

    Just as the narcissist is demanding of its spouse, as a parent they are also very demanding of their children, (remember that everything is about them). They see the children as extensions of themselves, representing them in every aspect. For that reason they expect their children to be high achievers, the very best in every thing that they do. However, the child is faced with a dilemma; If the child comes second best in any task, they will be perceived as being “the first looser” by their narcissistic parent. Silver medals are not seen as a reason to celebrate, they are are more likely to be perceived as a disgrace (looser). If they came first, they risk triggering the narcissist’s jealousy and envy; for the narcissist, envy always involves a comparison – they envy that which they lack. When the child shines, its success is always somehow due to the narcissist itself, but when the child fails, the narcissist takes the failure personally (narcissistic wound), and they will punish the child, whether it be by word or deed. Living with a narcissistic parent, so often the child finds it hard to get their own needs meet, which can lead to serious emotional problems for them. Because the narcissist parent is like a child their own self, there will be power struggles for attention between the child and the parent. All these dynamics are going to put strain on the partner of the narcissist, and they are likely to be the butt of all the narcissist frustration and anger, which will manifest itself as rage. Investing everything they have in their narcissistic partner is the only way the victim finds to keep the family going.

    Financial Investment: Narcissist typically seeks to control the family finances, money is a love substitute for them. No matter who earn the money in their family, it is they who are entitled to control how the monies get spent. Often the victim finds themselves being put on an allowance to run the house, and the abuser closely monitors how it is spent. If there is a shortage of money, the narcissist will be stingy when it comes to members of their family spending, yet they will spend what it takes to get what they want. Where possible, the narcissist creates a complex financial situation where everybody is dependent on them, this keeps them in control. Without financial means and usually alienated, many victims are unaware of support resources they may be entitled to, they are trapped by the situation, finding themselves waiting and hoping for a better financial situation to develop so that they can make their exit and detachment easier. In the meantime they do what they can to keep their abuser happy.

    Lifestyle Investment: When the narcissist is successful, they will use a lifestyle as an investment. Because they need to display their “specialness” to the world, they will want to display all of their wealth trophies (Narcissistic Supply): the big house, car, private school, business etc. All these things contribute to getting them the praise and adulation they feel they deserve. For the victim, sharing in this financial security, they may fear loosing their current lifestyle for themselves or their children. So they stay because of their fear of the poverty trap that awaits them if they manage to leave.

    Intimacy Investment: Narcissism is a personality trait associated with an inflated, grandiose self-concept and a lack of intimacy in interpersonal relationships. The narcissist perceives themselves as being unique and uncommon. Being intimate requires that two people operate commonly with openness and truth (True Self) so that they relate as “equals”. The narcissist operates from a False Self, and becoming equal with anybody would only negate their notion of uniqueness, so they avoid that entirely. Unknown to them, narcissists are still held ransom to their unresolved conflicts with their primary objects (parents). Like the child, they are still harboring the deep wounds of abandonment they experienced back then. Afraid of their own negative emotions, unconsciously, they promise themselves that they will never put themselves in that position again, and they avoid further narcissistic injury by holding everybody at bay, this includes their partner and children. Unfortunately, they too, like the rest of us, are susceptible to loneliness, which is why they are always on the look out for “narcissistic supply” for attention. When they have a partner, they separate the sexual from the emotional and treat their partner as a sex object, and the typical cycle of frustration-aggression is set in motion. Unfortunately, in love with their own reflection, they are incapable of loving anybody else. Where the partner thought she had married the nice Dr. Jekyll, she now finds herself facing the raging maniac that is Mr. Hyde. In such an unhealthy relationship, she will experience the destruction of her emotional and sexual self-esteem. He is not a good father, rather than love his children he abhors them (they take the mother’s attention away from him), so they are confined to the role of being another narcissistic supply source. Furthermore, they use a type blackmail of intimacy against their partner (threatening to tell intimate detains about them that would humiliate and destroy their character). The partner finds themselves in a hopeless situation, broken, the only way out is for them to stay. This serves to send the message to the narcissist that they are truly unique and superior. 
    One would wonder how the victim tolerates living with an abuser who is so intolerant and hostile? For healthy relationships, tolerating intolerance is neither acceptable nor possible, but for the victim of narcissistic abuse it is vital for survival. Finding themselves in such an intolerable situation, the victim must calm the cognitive dissonance that rocks their self-esteem and self worth. The Dissonance Theory allows the victim to make their choice (even if it means lying to themselves), and gives them a way to justify that they can be happy about not making the opposite choice that would surely put them in danger. Once the choice is made and the cognitive dissonance calmed, the victim has all sorts of tools (unconscious defense mechanism) at their disposal to bolster their decision to stay in the relationship (i.e. Stockholm Syndrome, Infantilism, Trauma Bonding).