About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Who Are You Trying To Convince Me or Yourself?


Who Are You Trying to Convince, Me or Yourself?

The power adoptive mothers have over their adopted child is solely based on the adopted child not questioning the adoptive mother. If the adopted child verbally questions the adoptive mother's statements, the adopted child is mentally then physically punished.....for beginning to develop cognitive awareness that is predictable in child growth into adolescence.

My adoptive mother always said the same looped phrases to me the adopted child and not to her biological offspring sons. These scripted phrases were designed to convince me of something that in her own behavior awareness was being questioned by my small child mind. Although I was not questioning her behavior as a young child as I lacked the cognitive capacity to believe that she was lying. The looped phrases that my adoptive mother only used on me and not my brothers, eventually caused me to question them. The content of these chronically looped phrases is what finally gave me the clue in adolescence to question them to myself but never to ask adoptive mother as any question from my mouth is considered a direct confrontation against adoptive mother as a person.

Now as an adult adoptee that intentionally exited-adoption-fog and gone no-contact, remembering these extremely annoying looped phrases make me very angry.  As an adult to think about the handful of looped phrases make up the entire one-way interaction that constitute the entire relationship of my adoptive mother to my adopted child role. The content of these phrases only seem to serve my adoptive mother's need for continuity, as the looped phrases did not mean anything to me as a young child because they were repetitive. As an adult, to remember and write these looped phrases serves as the reality of my scripted childhood that lacked authenticity and are far from genuine emotionally fueled language. The paradox is that the words did not match the set in stone facial expressions that my adoptive mother wore when specifically talking-AT-me where I was not allowed to reply.  

The angry verbal tones of these looped phrases that did not match the angry facial expressions always caused me to freeze as I could not fight or flight away there was no escape for me.
The worst looped phrase in my adopted childhood "your daddy loves you", Because my adoptive father did not want an adopted child to take the place of his dead child, he kept his distance from me physically and mentally which was brutally honest and obvious to anyone outside the adoptive family. My adoptive mother always referred to my adoptive father as "daddy" to me. When I turned age 40, the adoptive mother's distorted habit continued when referring to her husband, ironically I did not use this term for my adoptive father, I always called him dad.

The loop phrase "You know that we love you" is meant to convince me of a fact, the phrase comes from the speaker's disbelief that I accepted this fact. A normal parent would just say "I love you" as a statement that is fact without intention. All of these loop phrases had specific intentions to force me to believe as the adoptive mother speaker doubted the truth of her own statements, that she had to convince herself and convince the adopted child. Yet the adoptive mother's voice tones were always irritable and facial expressions were angry while reciting the loops to the adopted child that they were inauthentic and perceived by the adopted child as being in trouble again, having a stern talking to by adoptive mother....without the threat of telling the adoptive father how bad I was that day to get punished again.

These two looped phrases by my adoptive mother are enough to understand the general principle of the scripted narrative of what was uncomfortably said to the adopted child. Maybe the adoptive mother was feeling guilty for neglecting me emotionally and to prove to herself that she was in no way at fault for anything. The inauthentic scripted words that never matched voice tones or facial expressions were deliberate attempts by my adoptive mother to have a distorted interaction at me in an attempt at pretending to be normal parent-child interaction.

The poor and bad parenting excuse "we did the best that we could" is possibly true as my adoptive parents did not know how to interact with a non-biological adopted child that lived in their home. This is the truth when you realize that relationships can't be forced and mother's can't pretend to love children that are not their own, that is the reality in many child adoptions that can't continue to be ignored.
I was adopted to replace the family's stillborn child, and the replacement child did not work out like the adoption literature and marketing promised.

We must realize that adoption marketing is used to sell products and marketing will not list the mountain of evidence that proves closed adoption causes developmental arrest, psychological problems and distress in the adopted child for the rest of their life.    

Tuesday, December 6, 2016


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Monday, December 5, 2016

Investigating the Adopted Child


The Biological Mother Investigated Her Adult Offspring
This topic is extremely difficult to write as my shock is still with me years after the fact that I was investigated by my biological mother.
There was a Dexter TV episode where a father's long lost child found him, as he openly embraced his child. The man's coworkers quickly planted doubt into the man's head, saying that the adoptee had ulterior motives in their new relationship. The father hired a private investigator to conduct a background investigation on his adult adopted-out child. When the adoptee found this out she felt horrified and betrayed.
When I was told by my mother's sister (my aunt), that my mother hired a private investigator I was horrified, shocked and terribly shaken by this information. I felt betrayed by her, ashamed to be considered "suspect" for trying to repair the whole in my existence. This level of my biological mother's forced intrusion is so deeply rooted in being too ashamed to exist. The mother's long-lost unwanted child that has been searching throughout life to find  her and only desire is to know her own mother....Is betrayed in her current life by information that is the extreme opposite of who the adoptee is. The assumption that I was only interested in finding my biological mother for her money is an abortion of thoughts.
The revelation in the knowledge that my own mother thought so little of me that she did not hire an investigator to find me, but hired an investigator to investigate my life and financial wealth. Before ever speaking to me she committed this intrusive act against me that makes me aware of my sad and pathetic reality. The truth that everything horrible about me, my existence in being an unwanted child is brutally true. Being an unwanted bastard is the consequence of a mother's rejection of her offspring. That I was thrown into foster care as a ward of the state because she was honestly repulsed by my existence, repulsed by being pregnant with a bastard child, repulsed by my father and being thrown away and abandoned was for a specific reason, which was where I should have stayed in her critical assumption of my attempt to heal myself and repair the relationships taken from me. The knowledge that I was investigated is infuriating and insulting to my attempts at healing, developing an authentic identity and my trials of human dignity are continually burned.    

Friday, November 25, 2016


Potential Effects on Adoptee's Self & Object Representations

Study Abstract:

Some potential effects of adoption on self and object representations.
Brinich, Paul M.
The Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, Vol 35, 1980, 107-133.

  1. Argues that although adoption remains the optimal social solution to the problem of the unwanted child,                              it poses numerous difficulties for the normal development of the self. 
  2. (#1. The difficulty of the adopted child's normal development of self) 
  3. Observational studies have demonstrated that mothers and infants quickly establish reciprocal patterns of interaction, 
  4. but the achievement of a reciprocal relationship is more problematic for the adoptive mother–child pair.
  5. (#2 The adopted infant natural instinct is resistance to the substitute mother that is not  the child's authentic mother) 
  6. Some specific difficulties associated with adoption make the achievement of reciprocity much more difficult for the adoptive mother and child: 
  7. (#3 Reciprocity is based on the cohesive relationship of biological mother-infant of naturally achieved attachment)
  8. Many adopted children experience one or more interruptions in their early reciprocal relationships, and adoptions are rarely finalized in the first months of life. 
  9. (#4. Excuses for attachment failure as the biological mother-child relationship is absent) 
  10. Moreover, the mother's mental representations of herself  (#5 Her Depression, Anxiety, infertility & adoption second choice)   
  11. and her adopted child (#6. The mother's negative assumptions about the adopted infant)
  12. will be reflected in the relationships between them. (#7. The adoptive mother's negative assumptions are the relationship)
  13. The adoptive mother frequently is unable to accept her adopted child and the adopted child's instinctual behavior, 
  14. (#8. The adoptive mother's resistance to accept the A) adopted child B) the adopted child's instinctual behavior) 
  15. and oedipal or pre-oedipal conflicts in the parents often intrude upon the resolution of the separation–individuation phase.
  16. (#9. Maslow's hierarchy of child development is not acheived in adopted child development causing age related arrest) 
  17. The adopted child experiences knowledge about his/her adoption as a narcissistic injury, 
  18. (#10. Adoptive parent, family & society's "Chronic Denial of ADOPTION-TRAUMA". A) to Accept adoption-trauma would impose guilt on the adoptive mother parent and B) empathy for the adopted child's suffering "daily" the loss of his mother in childhood.) 
  19. The split (ambiguity) in adoptive parent's conflicting cognitive, emotional and thought rumination "images" creates problems at each developmental phase. (#11. Maslow's hierarchy of child development, in each stage the adopted child does not master each stage of development. Cognitive Dissonance causes the adoptive parent to blame the adopted child or the child's genetics, instead of taking responsibility for the distorted adoptive parent-child relationship that caused the developmental arrest due to the adoptive parent's relationship ambiguity toward the adopted child).
  20. Clinical illustrations are presented, taken from the cases of 3 adopted children. Preventive interventions for parents and child at all stages of the child's development are outlined. (73 ref) (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2016 APA, all rights reserved)

Friday, November 18, 2016

Adoption Fog of Denial


The Adoption Fog Of Denial

The most stable time of my life was I emerged from adoption fog at 40 years old. My adopted childhood was a continual roller coaster of verbal and psychological maltreatment because I was not her biological child she lost to stillbirth. My adoptive mother treated me like a hammy-down, a worthless accessory to her exclusive jewelry collection. I had absolutely no worth, being labeled her "pet adopted-child" to anyone that would ask in front of me as though I did not exist. My story was her charity narrative to promote her vanity, social appearance and social acceptance in her small town of worshipers.
 I was used by my adoptive mother as a pathetic prop to force my adoptive father not to divorce her, as they would argue and fight in front of me in restaurants, although their biological sons were nowhere to be found. My cold and non-loving adoptive upbringing where I would spend all of my time in my room alone trying to avoid my adoptive mother's extreme mood swings and created on the spot stories of what bad deeds I had committed that needed immediate punishment. Something as simple as my smile at her could trigger a deeper hatred in her that would cause a humiliating tirade in front of that night's house visitors.
There was never a time where I wasn't filled with anxiety and fear of what might happen if she got wind of my simple state of temporary or momentary happiness, that would be punished in an instant. The ever present carrot on a string was waved in front of me that I could never grasp, in my child's mind acceptance or permanent place was my bait that could never be found or the feeling of security was not open to non-blood ties.

This is my psychological foundation in life, the relationship with my primary caregiver that all future relationships are measured against and compared. I was taught and conditioned by my adoptive mother to be afraid, to live in fear and always expect catastrophic consequences to the simple everyday occurrences. To be stripped of growing any self esteem or self worth as I was not worthy of any positive reinforcement. I was the worst case scenario in the prospect of an adopted child's outcome. I would never accomplish anything worthy of her praise or acceptance because kindergarten, and grade school was the measure of future accomplishments in the eyes of adoptive parents in the 1970's.
I was a complete disaster and shame that reflected my adoptive mother's failure to nurture, but in real world reality it is seen as my failure alone, as the measure of a person and that person's human potential.
When you are raised believing that you are nothing without the adoptive parent's status and the adoptive parent reinforces this conditioning you will believe that you are nothing, incapable and worthless to others. I would seek out other people that were equally worthless and unwanted individuals on the outskirts of society is where you belong. Unseen so you do not make the adoptive family feel embarrassment or impact them in any way.
Once the adoptive family has cut you loose, you are solely on your own to make your own path of destruction and leave it behind you in your path. The few adulthood tools that I learned from my adoptive parents did not get me very far. They taught me to burn every bridge of friendship as they did, to see a person's value by their material possessions, vanity and finances.

Now that I can reform my identity without influence, I know they were wrong or trying to force my failure. My childlike ability in adulthood has been a true handicap in trying to find out who I truly am. As long as my toxic adoptive mother was in my life her hold on me was keeping me stupid and ignorant to reality. Once I left my adoption fog at age 40, I began to see the world in a new light. When I looked back I saw my adoptive parent's deliberate attempts to ruin me financially and emotionally. This was the hardest fact to face in my adult life, that can be still misconstrued with excuses made to defend their very bad advice and behavior to be justified for their own good....not to be out done by their adopted child. The most difficult reality of sick and disturbing actions of my adoptive parents trying to negatively impact my life and punish me for making good choices for myself as an adult.  


Thursday, November 17, 2016

The Consequences of Fantasy Bond Adopted Relationship


The Fantasy Bond of Adoptive Parents Impact Child Future Relationships

The fantasy bond is a type of relationship where the basic tie is based on routines and roles, rather than spontaneous feelings. It is a term used to describe an imaginary connection formed originally by the infant with the parent or primary caregiver, but also describes an illusory connection to another person that adults attempt to establish in their intimate associations, which leads to deterioration in the relationship.
This type of bond is differentiated from the positive bonding that occurs in secure attachments. The fantasy bond offers an illusion of love which prevents real emotional contact, and can be linked to the pseudo-independence of the self-parenting character.


The origins of a fantasy bond can be found in the failures of childhood parenting, denial of which leads to an over-valuation and idealization of the parent/parents in question.
The result can be a sense of grandiosity based on the internalization of the parental value systems, an acceptance of the inner critic with its automatic thoughts as a substitute for real relating.
Such over-idealization of the past protects against the re-emergence of painful memories, but also ties into the perpetuation of current ersatz relationships with only the object of idolatry changed in the new fantasy bond. 
The fantasy bond acts as a painkiller that cuts off feeling responses and interferes with the development of a true sense of self, and the more a person comes to rely on fantasies of connection, the LESS he or she will seek or be able to accept love and affection in a real relationship.
The fantasy bond is the primary defense against separation anxiety, interpersonal pain, and existential dread. Infants naturally comfort themselves by using images and self-soothing behaviors to ease the anxiety of being separated from their caregivers, so when caregivers are often unavailable or inconsistent in meeting an infant's needs, the infant increasingly turns to an image of being connected to them. This fantasy bond is a substitute for the love and care that may be missing.

Later life

In later life the fantasy bond may provide an illusory sense of safety against the threat of the approach of death. To varying degrees, all people tend to make imagined connections with people in their lives. Many people have a fear of intimacy and at the same time are terrified of being alone. A fantasy bond allows them to maintain a certain emotional distance while relieving loneliness, but this bond reduces the possibility of achieving success in a relationship.