Adoptive Patterns of Childhood Dysfunction
The modeling, the way our adoptive parents acted everyday is a pattern
that is ingrained into us forever. While it takes years to notice and longer
to acknowledge and still longer to ever come to terms with these patterns
of behavior. When mom was on the rampage everyone knows to hide.
The behavior of the children reacting to mother's behavior is ingrained in us forever. We buffer her outrage by distance of anything remotely reminding
of the way she acted when pissed off. I would stand there numb like a statue
shaking, numb and unable to run, because she was usually pissed off by me.
My taught and learned Patterns of my adoptive mother's dysfunction continue to exist as strong as ever now that I am almost 50. When in public I hear an unknown person, particularly a woman raising her voice, yelling or screaming
in the next isle, in the same building or driving by as I pump gas I begin to shake all over and my heart starts pounding loud enough for me to hear.
I become numb, wanting to get away from that unknown person at any cost.
The patterns I was conditioned by were not normal, were seriously hostile and were always directed at me. When my mother would scream at her biological sons the tone of voice and circumstances were different, but still set off my uncontrollable biological reactions.
As a grown woman, the mother's angry tone on the message machine herd many hours later, would start the body panic in me that doesn't stop until I wake up the next morning. My defense mechanisms not to answer the phone if she calls, not to answer it at night, and now not to answer the phone at all.
Then the sound of the phone wringing began to trigger my body reactions.
Now the wringer is off, I have no contact for six years and I never listen to any messages and feel some peace in my daily life outside of this. Irrational, disconnected and suspicious of the bad telephone...yes!!! Only bad news and feeling out of control comes with my phone connection to the outside world.
My only contacts are my husband and daughters so any need to know will come from them, but they know not to trigger me at night with bad or childhood related people. And I am thankful to them to let me exist in my circle of safety
without criticism or condemnation as I just can't handle any. So I am grateful to them for my small piece of mind in my safe place away from my own or other's psychological harm.