Adoptee Rage! This blog is written exclusively for the 38% of Abused and Neglected Adopted Children. The U.S. HHSA Identifies #1 Risk: Maltreatment, Child Abuse and Risk for Death In Adopted children. Childhood domination, Coping compensation. Research in Adoption Psychology, Developmental Trauma"The Adoption Paradox". By Rainstorm Red-Smith
About Adoptee Rage
Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.
ADOPTEE RAGE! Verbal Abuse Perpetrated By Adoptive Mother ___________________________________________________________
Verbal abuse in the adoptive family is hidden from the outside world, family members and friends. The adopted child has no way to protect herself from the person she seeks love from. The adopted child is forced to endure the abusive adoptive mother as she wants adoptive mother’s love, her approval, and considers her an authority.The adopted child believes what the adoptive mother say to her about her.
The verbally abusive adoptive mother not only creates the world adopted child lives in but dictates how events in it are to be interpreted.
Verbal abuse largely plays out in secret because it stays within the walls of the adoptive home and only leaves marks on the adopted child's psyche. The unloving adoptive mother denies that her words hurt. The adoptive mother will blame her adopted child's emotional response to her words on the adopted child’s being “too sensitive.” “too dramatic” adoptive mothers assign and label the "problem" adopted child. Adoptive mothers justify their use of punitive and harsh words. Marginalizing the adopted child’s achievements “If you got an A, the test must have been really easy”—can be shrugged off by a mother as an effort to make sure “she doesn’t get a swelled head.” Disparaging adopted child in highly personal ways “You’re lazy", "no-good” or “Why can’t you be more like your brother” (her biological son) is often represented as something done for “her own good” or as “discipline” for an “unruly” adopted child, “putting her on the right path” as she is destined for problems, being adopted.
The adoptive mother's intentional abusive words and the deliberate silences, that are aimed at breaking a daughter’s heart and spirit that matter too. Again, these are “justified” in the scheme of adoptive family life. Refusing to answer adopted child’s plea for help, telling her that she “should know better” why she’s being punished or ignored. A mother’s refusal to look at her adopted child, as experts have asserted, isolating adopted child in another room for time-out can carry great consequence for the adopted child’s vision of self.
Adopted children internalize the messages their adoptive mothers communicate and avoidance behaviors. A child who is well-loved, listened to, and given support internalizes the message that she is worthy, competent, and safe.
The adopted child is told they are a failure, a disappointment and not worthy of the adoptive mother's attention and effort. The adopted child internalizes the negative messages and they become the inner voice of self-criticism. Self-criticism is a destructive habit of mind in which the person attributes a bad outcome not to external factors but to specific traits about the child's self. Self-criticism plays a repeating mental loop in the unloved adopted child's head, reminding the child they are not wanted, unworthy, and not loved as consequence of mother's verbal abuse.
ADOPTEE RAGE! Emotional Abusive New Adoptive Mother _____________________________________________________ Article:What Your Child Remembers (nospank.net)
When adopted child is reprimanded, an image of the scolder’s looks of disapproval gets stored in the lateral tegmental limbic area of the brain. The growing child and adult judge their own behaviour through the lens of these stored inner representations, which are imprinted as images charged with feelings of shame. These inner visual and auditory records of the shamer usually – but not always - operate beneath conscious awareness. The experience of parents setting healthy boundaries literally grows the child’s orbitofrontal brain, whose purpose it is to contain and regulate raw emotion. But when the parent imposes limits, for some time following the symbiotic time of infancy, the toddler feels a degree of hurt and betrayal. This developmentally necessary change in the parent-child relationship is emotionally stressful. It is important that the parent soothe the toddler after imposing restrictions on him, to help him cope with his ‘shame-stress’. Reassurance of the parent’s love repairs the child’s wounded ‘self’ and restores his self-confidence. If parents diligently assist with their child’s shame–repair, he soon learns to take over, and based on his parents’ role modelling, repair his own shame when needed. Inner representations - stored as emotional and narrative memory in the brain - of a soothing and reassuring parent are used later in life as a template for shame-repair. This internal portrait of a reassuring adult is essential so that as an adult the individual won’t be disabled or overly inhibited by experiences of shame. Though this process is usually unconscious, it secures our ability to self-soothe, and to recover from shame when needed.
Psychological and social problems arise when a child grows up with too many images of a disapproving face stored in the brain centres that store implicit memory, without the subsequent images of a soothing and reassuring adult. A child that lacks these positive images, stored in his emotional memory centres, is at risk of slipping into depression, becoming overly inhibited, or defensively hostile.
By the end of the first year, the infant has stored an internal representation of her mother’s loving face in the area connecting the anterior temporal and the orbitofrontal cortices. These images, though rarely consciously remembered, form the basis for an internal working model of relationships. It is as if the child has filed a video-clip of her mother in her brain’s ‘hard-disk’. Henceforth, these inner representations will animate her core emotional responses, forming the basis of her fundamental relationship style. When she feels her emotional needs are consistently attended to, this engenders in the child an enduring expectation of a supportive world. This attitude is pervasive and unconscious, and it inclines the child toward friendly and considerate behaviour.
From the earliest moments of life, parental nurturance shapes the child’s emotional make-up, literally altering the course of brain-growth. One of the key elements of secure parent-child attachment is affectionate eye-contact. A parent’s sustained, loving gaze and smile suffuses infants with indescribable joy. What ensues is a cascade of dopamine, endogenous opioids, enkephalins and endorphins in the baby’s brain - all feel-good chemicals associated with loving relations. This joy-precipitated surge of brain chemicals promotes the maturation of precise regions of the cortex, which are concerned with healthy regulation of emotion later in life. Every baby requires this kind of nourishing experience regularly and frequently, for healthy brain development
The recurring dream that haunts my ever present, is an abandonment dream that devastates my waking hours until I can distract myself enough to temporary forget it. My recurring dream began when I fell completely in love and and felt magically love in return for the first time in my life. I was in my mid twenties, had two children and lived independently alone for the first time when the dreams began. I have a serious sleep disorder where I talk, hit and act-out my dreams while sleeping. The dreams commenced with the focus on my new love abandoning me. In each dream he would abandon me in a different way. The boyfriend would wake me up and ask me what I was dreaming about and I answer honestly each time. Four years later he grew tired of me and disappeared from my life without saying a word, just gone. I came home from work one day and all of his clothes were gone, I was devastated and cried for the first time in ten years. Now 17 years later, he is still haunting my dreams like the abandoning dreams I had when we were together never stopped happening. Each dream has a different miserable ending where I am publicly humiliated, shunned and disgraced. I wake up crying, feeling these miserable emotions of humiliation, ashamed and loose my dignity all over again. These dreams are dreaded as I suffer the REAL and LIVED LOSS over and over again. This recurring dream reminds me as I wake that I have again lost my sense of self, feel the sting of shame from being unworthy that I am constantly drowning in my waking life. The recurring dream is about being ABANDONED. The circumstances of the relationship where I was an adult that for the first time in my life invested my complete trust in another human being and felt for the first time LOVED by another. In my mind I knew it was too wonderful to last as I began to have recurring dreams of my beloved abandoning me. The significance of the relationship ending, was the first time as an adult that I experienced my own feelings and emotions of excruciating pain and suffering that comes when being abandoned. The True Spontaneous Reaction The significance of my first adult experience authentically reacting to being abandoned. My uncontrolled sobbing, weeping and uncontrolled crying a river of tears on the kitchen floor. The complete absence of my reliable defense mechanisms to repress and suppress my emotions could not be found on this powerfully symbolic monumental reaction to being abandoned. This scenario of "not restricting" my authentic reaction happened again twice in adulthood both related to my adoptive father verbally abandoning me, and my adoptive parents together expelling me from their family. Where I fell down with uncontrolled weeping in my driveway. My recurring dream has everything to do with being adopted because of the specific emotions and feelings that are provoked. I feel shame, humiliation, unworthy, guilty of being undeserving, not good enough and a disappointment as anyone that invests their time in me is wasted. My self-hatred grows inward as the cruel messages from my supposed "loved ones" told me throughout my adopted childhood that I am the failure, the problem and the complication of their adoption for being me. The responsibility for the burning bridge is me standing there with the matches, I always tell me that I brought it on myself and I deserve all of the misery that I make by attempting to connect with others. My adoptive parents are usually in my recurring dream, shaming, blaming and publicly humiliating me. The message of my nightmare is I deserve to be abandoned, humiliated and should be ashamed of myself for not living up to expectations, for ruining the fairy tale with my presence and being the monumental disappointment to my adoptive parents, I am responsible for all of the adoptive family's problems till the day I die. Being Abandoned at birth to be sold into adoption bondage as the fairy tale goes the "forever adoptive family" will never abandon the adopted child. The reality is that 25% and higher of adopted children are eventually abandoned by adoptive parents. The adoption psychiatrists try to reprogram adopted children from their very real expectation of being abandoned again by adoptive parents. The financial efforts to pay for such reprogramming therapy as the adopted child complies with therapy and lets their guard down and trust is established, only to be eventually rejected and abandoned by adoptive parents as the final outcome. What this adult adoptee's dreams are saying to me is I can't tolerate being abandoned. I know what being abandoned feels like and dread it, as I anxiously await the next time I am abandoned for it is inevitable to the forever adopted child adult.
The Adoption Trauma is not the same trauma I suffered by being forcefully removed from my first mother, psychologically abandoned interpreted by the infant's brain, to be assimilated into adoption.
"Adoption Trauma" IS being continually and chronically traumatized by the substitute adoptive mother throughout adopted childhood.
The adoptive mother's reasons for cruelty is based on her own discounting and rejecting gestures toward the adopted child that she deems unworthy of her attention. The newest excuses for torturing the adopted child are now called "post-adoption-depression, but with the adoptive mother's serious level of narcissism and sociopathic behavior that is directly focused on the adopted child is just seen as cruelty.
The messages from the rejecting adoptive mother are clear and unavoidable to the adopted child. They don't need words just a furrowed brow and scowled face when looking at you. Of course the words are horrendous as we never forget them when these words are screamed in our faces, that we are worthless, disappointing and wasted on us. When she could be giving praises to her real biological children, she is disgusted by our very being deleting precious resources from those who truly deserve them. The idea of sending the adopted child back would look bad on the adoptive mother, so she endures the unwanted stranger inside her facade of the perfection of her family.
Because the adoptive mother has no choice but to endure the adopted child in her possession, she finally finds a use for me. The scapegoat, the puppet and the receptacle for hostility. My place in the adoptive family is finally established, and I stand at my post waiting for orders from H.Q.. The Adoption Trauma is in being the repulsive agent that chemically activates the general in command's disgust. As being the outsider I am socially dependent on providing the disgust in order to fulfill the cycle of her hatred, and will remain the whipping boy for the untouchable prince known as her biological offspring.
For the adoptive mother is the queen and I the adopted child am the entertainment, the jewelry to be taken out when it suits the mother's whims. To be the hostage by choice that will fight and beg for the thought that some day I might receive acceptance, I guard my ignorant post.
There does come at some point the epiphany, where the reality of the adopted child's situation becomes unbearable and we choose to abandon this post to escape it. We cut the marionette's puppet strings and run for our lives with the hope of finding anything to fill the enormous holes within us, that define us. We are broken beyond repair and accept our brokenness as scars from the battle of good and bad. As we were once whole and the war of adopted childhood erased every shred of dignity and trust that we did not possess to begin with.
The Dreaded Mother's Day in the Adoptee's Heart.
I dread this day most of all of the Hallmark holidays that this Condemning American Society, that is the very same society that condemned me and my precious mother to Adoption Hell.
I am supposed to celebrate mother's day and pretend that the adoptive mother that cruelly and brutally raised me is worthy of being celebrated. As my own mother suffers still fifty years later her unrelenting pain of having her newborn infant stolen from her arms and assimilated into adoption of a more deserving woman's fleeting desires to be a substitute mother to an adopted child.
The physical and mental shock of a new mother that has her baby taken by force begins her physical suffering first. Her breasts engorged with milk to feed her baby, her body is humming with the maternity chemicals to motivate her to care for her helpless newborn and her arms begin aching to hold her child close to her heart. The divine forces that equip all mothers this god given ability to nurture their offspring can never be erased with any medical antidote or legal decree.
When my mother is blackmailed, brow beaten and threatened with lies, deceptions and told that she is unworthy of humanity. They target is her soul, her trust and self-worth are relentlessly. They bombard and attacked her with poison tongues, threatening bombs, hand to hand physical combat ending with the bayonet thrust through her heart that ends the life of my mother's resistance.
They betray her with dirty politics adoption agents use are the same deceptions used by the Nazi party that carries out the unspeakable, disturbing and disgusting deeds for their cause to win the victory over the helpless. The cause is the greed of the almighty American Dollar and the victory and triumph is over the worthless pregnant female that society has already cast out. They say she is used, promiscuous and spoiled, but now the new label by society is the shocking unimaginable scorn of a selfish mother that intentionally abandons her offspring.
The destruction of the new mother's sole is justified as she has committed the most shocking selfish deed known to being human. Once she has been psychologically defeated she is discarded by the human race in disgrace. The actual "best interest" is in the hands of the wealthy adopting parent's demands for the freshest newborn baby money can buy that they hope will satisfy their selfish desires.
The devastated mother that exits the hospital empty handed was not only mentally raped, as her soul is destroyed beyond the point that can never be healed and that which has taken place can never be accepted or acknowledged.
When we accept the lies that the majority of society desperately needs to hear, we deny truth to fill ourselves with reasons to justify the lies. We loose sight of what exactly has taken place as we hide our eyes, cover our ears and speak in excuses that deny that injustice that is served on others to satisfy our selfish temporary needs.
The evil intentions of a single individual that forcefully takes the only possession from a helpless, poor, young and vulnerable woman, must be justified to force back the plague of guilt. As we suppress truth by projecting happiness we become the judge, jury and executioner of the innocent mother's sole and we say that we did her a favor.
"I Just Wanted Him/Her To Be Happy"
One persons idea of what makes themselves happy, is ignorantly
applied to everyone else. This false assumption that what makes one person happy is shared by others is false. This false assumption is the cause of abuse, neglect and family dysfunction. Adopted children are not exceptions to this rule, as no other person can know what makes an individual happy unless they are asked and told truthfully. To satisfy another with words they want to hear............Is Denying Yourself Your Truth.
Example a grandmother that enjoys knitting thinks that her grandson will be happy receiving a sweater that she knitted. The grandmother's false belief in what makes her happy, will make other people happy is not true. This reasoning is self-centered belief that ignores the grandson's individuality, his identity and proves that she does not really know her grandson or has not listened to what her grandson says about himself.
The grandmother is "projecting her own ideals onto her grandson". Projecting her own false beliefs of what how she wants her grandson to be, what she wants her grandson to enjoy and what she wants the grandson to like....her knitting.
The grandson will perpetuate his grandmother's "false projections" by lying, by falsely acknowledging or saying that he loves the knitted sweater. The grandson is not attempting to build a real interpersonal relationship with his grandmother that is based on his authentic spontaneous identity, where he would tell his grandmother what he loves, what he wants, his aspirations and dreams. If the grandson were to tell his grandmother the "truth" that he doesn't like or wear knitted sweaters, the continuation of grandmother's projecting onto her grandson would stop.
The grandmother would now begin to know who her grandson really is and enjoy the benefits of the honest and truth based relationship that is now beginning to grow as he is asserting himself as an individual, instead of the compliance based relationship that is permanently used in a "one-way" only.
The adoptive mother's projections of herself onto her adopted child is usually a compliance based, one-way dominated relationship. Where the mother is projecting her own wishes of class, elegance and being a ballet dancer. The adoptive mother is forcing her own personal preferences in the form of her own "projections" onto her adopted daughter. Where the adoptive mother forces the daughter to take ballet lessons. Yet the adopted girl child is more athletic, competitive, a natural tomboy that rough-houses everyday with her brothers. The adopted child protests ballet, she wants to take piano lessons as being musically inclined is a genetic trait from her paternal and maternal biological family.
The Adoptive Mother's Fantasy and Projection
The adoptive mother wants to be the dancer's mother sitting in the audience of a ballet production that gets recognition for her daughter the dancer, who is graceful in the leading roles of the ballet performance. Where the cast pays special recognition to the lead dancers mother sitting in the audience, who is initiated to stand up and take a bow herself, the mother is applauded by audience, cast and crew.
This is the adoptive mother's "Perception of Happiness" although a far fetched fantasy that would take the adopted child a decade minimum of ballet instruction, personal dedication, extreme financial support along with extreme dependence on the adoptive mother to undertake such a plan.
This is the adoptive mother's perception of what would make her happy. The adoptive mother believes that this same scenario would make the adopted child happy as well, from her own fantasy of ballet performances. There is no bases for reality in this scenario. In reality the adoptive mother's biological stillborn daughter might have been this career ballet dancer that made the girl's mother so proud, where the mother received the public recognition that she craves for being the mother behind the dancer.
This is the adoptive mother's "what could have been" that experts say is relegated to and a bad habit of adopted children only.
The "cognitive dissonance" applied to the adoptive mother's "failed projections" on the adopted child as a ballet dancer. Where the adoptive mother's unrealistic expectations of professional ballet ability is forced on the adopted child result in the adoptive mother's negative evaluations. The adoptive mother's voices her disapproval, depreciation, dissatisfaction and shame of the child's failure to perform the projected fantasy. The adoptive mother's resentment is not limited to the failed fantasy, The adoptive mother's resentment grows into discounting the adopted child as a whole person who is the failure.
The adopted child is held responsible for the monumental failure where the adoptive mother placed her hopes and dreams in confidence that was dependent on success of achieving reality from her fantasy. The adoptive mother's belief that the adopted child would take her fantasy and create reality, that is her perception of happiness. When the projection's transition from fantasy to reality was not created, the adoptive mother's happiness can not be achieved. The adopted child is responsible and blamed for denying the adoptive mother's much deserved happiness.
The adoptive mother's unrealistic expectation is blamed on the adopted child's negligence to live up to or perform expectations. The adoptive mother negatively reevaluates the adopted child as responsible and liable for her misery. Where the adoptive mother is verbally scornful, physically abusive and mentally vindictive to punish the selfishness of the adopted child, as the adoptive mother believes the adopted child deliberately refused her happiness. The adoptive mother's perception of happiness is shared exactly the same by the adopted child, that is not true.
The monumental disappointments that are based on one person's idea of happiness is not shared by anyone other than that individual. Not even wishful thinking can make this true.