About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Saturday, November 10, 2018

The Birth Trauma of Adoptees


The Birth Trauma of Adoptees

The newborn infant is traumatized at birth upon taking        their first breath of air, the infant is taken away from his        or her mother, the only person the infant knows on a    cellular level of familiarity. The separated newborn is traumatized by not being connected to mother and every minute that passes in absence of the mother, causes the infant excruciating fear.                                                        

The newborn's continued isolation and solitude cause        the exacerbation of fear to build, eventually the confined    infant goes into psychological shock from this continued frightening experience. 

The monumental consequences of separating a newborn infant from his biological mother creates the trauma that becomes the infant's first, foundational life experience.      This intentionally tragic situation that is psychologically excessive, physically exhausting and emotional overwhelm that the newborn will never forget. As the event  is imprinted upon the infant emotional brain, physical body  that creates the psychologically charged memory. This pre-verbal, pre-cognitive memory is remembered as the most extreme monumental event that the infant will compare all future events against.          

The physical and mental effects of the historic trauma's impact will haunt the child for the rest of his life. 
This trauma will seriously disrupt relational attachments, create defense mechanisms to avoid social attachments. Important aspects of child foundational development are derailed, occurring out of normal age appropriate order.  

Traumatic events that follow exacerbate the reaction and increased physical manifestations of various coping mechanisms that occur before the age of three years.        The fear-based trauma bonding and attachment disorders   in relationships to new caregivers or adoptive parents. 
Thee cascade of trauma related symptoms spill over into delayed foundational development skills. Delays in the   areas of language, mobility, physical and social skills       and emotional regulation skills.                                                
All articles recap on how to quickly fix the child and situation. Most psychology articles are selling a particular type of therapy and each has their own spin on things.
There is no way to un-crack an egg or remove a trauma experience without drugging or hypnotizing away mental resources. What adoptees need is to read many, different aspects of the way we were traumatized, without an 
antidote or quick fix. 

Adoptees need to be able to sit with the realization of what we suffered, how we suffered and let the truth of the facts sink in and accept it. Not everything is fixable and some things should be allowed to remain as they always will, encapsulated in time. We were traumatized at birth, and no one cared. Everyone was more concerned with getting what they wanted and they got what they paid for. We adoptees are living proof of a society that does not care about what they have done to others in their pursuit of buying happiness. We the damaged are all that remains of a morally and ethically corrupt greed-based society that buys and sells human children, the fresher, the newer...the better.      

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Adoptee's Rationalizing Reunion Pain.


Adoptee's Rationalizing Reunion Pain

The Mother,
the Father,
the Adoptive Mother,
The Adoptive Father...
Where do your alliances Lie?
Biological parents and families 
can equally Love their ten
children or their only child.
The normal parent never says that they can 
only love, nurture and resource only one child, 
but not two children. A good parent would never chose a favorite child and create a villain in their other offspring. Yet too many adoptive mothers
do just that by favoring their biological offspring 
and making a black-sheep out of their adopted 

Yet in adoption, adoptive parents make a 
scoundrel out of the biological mother, the 
father and both biological families simply do 
not exist. The adopted child is willing to abide
by anything their adoptive mother says and does. What is not talked about, taboos and hatred out 
of jealousy is then force on the innocent adopted child that knows no better.

To have a favorite (adopted child) there must 
also be a villain (biological mother) is essential 
to justify the adoptive mother's advantage and
avoid the guilt of taking her child away from her.
The psychological survival of the adoptive mother's perception of adopted child alliance depends on it.  

To the adopted person, the
adoptive mother's vocal protests that 
"she is the real mother", not the first mother.
The statements, repetition and looped thoughts 
Fuels the adoptive mother's emotional problems.
The adoptive mother's enemies are forced into
the psyche of the adopted child at a young age.
This influence is intentional with the force of a
"woman scorned" that the adopted child must 
submit to or risk being named on her enemy list.

"The Adoption Ultimatum" Being forced to 
chose between two set of parents, is a cruel 
and unnecessary burden. Just as a person can 
have more than "a single friendship in their 
lifetime", this only applies to adoption.

The reality that an adult child is no-longer in 
need of and does not want any new parenting 
control in their adulthood. The fact that adult 
adoptees's don't want to return to the 
submission and domination of unequal power 
balance that dominated the parent-child 
relationship. Adult adoptees in reunion are not 
seeking to replace that time in childhood and 
never want to go through growing up again.
Adult adoptees in reunion want to establish adult 
relationships based on equality and respect. 

The other misconception is justification, many
"reunion rejected" adoptees will run back to their
adoptive parents. The adoptee believing that 
parents and relationships are interchangeable. 
And when reunion doesn't work out the adoptive parents are now seen in a better light by the adoptee is a delusion. The adoptee's reunion failure can't justify their dissatisfaction with one parent set or another. 

The misconception that adoption is based on, 
is a lie and moral corruption that disregards human bonding and relationships. That "parents, children and relationships are interchangeable" like objects.
The grand illusions that there is no adverse effects 
of these exchanges and no complications to human stability. Adoptee's make the same poor assumptions and compulsive bad decisions that adoptive parents 
make in relationships. 

Hate them-seek other, be rejected, beg to be taken back and trash-talk the rejection. These are the common actions of immature school children. When adults behave in this disturbing manner we need to take a serious look at ourselves. The instant gratification is never worthy of anything that is worked hard for. 

Sunday, August 26, 2018

An Individual's Happiness is his alone


An individual's happiness is his alone

When any parent's behavior is questioned, they will defensively evoke the generic mantra of the American's entitlement culture...

....."I just want my child to be happy"
or......"I did the best that I could" 

The parent does want a happy child, 
but happiness is based on and defined by 
the parent's perspective. What specifically provokes spontaneous happiness in the parent is unique to that individual, their personality, life experiences and maturity level. 

Example: Late in her life, my adoptive grandmother began TV shopping for elaborate dolls and doll display cases. The doll collecting hobby made her so happy that she went on to purchase these expensive cased dolls as holiday gifts for family and friends that may have thought otherwise.     

What makes one person happy is far outside of another's definition of happiness. Happiness can not exist without sadness, if we deny one we can't avoid denying the other for balance is the law of human emotions.

Friday, May 18, 2018

Adoption Reunion, The Psychology Behind Rejecting Mothers


Adoption Reunion, The Psychology Behind Rejecting Mothers

Copyright Heather Carlini, C.M.Ht.2005 

Having worked in post-adoption counseling for twenty –five years now, I have seen both adoptees and natural mothers experience rejection at the end of a long search (for each other).
Nothing is more devastating … it is like a vexation of the Soul. I believe that the mother and child have a Soul Contract on a spiritual level, a subconscious yearning to meet each other so they can heal the pain of separation.
Unfortunately, these healing journeys are not always done together, in which case, both adoptee and natural mother must then finish their healing journeys alone.
However, if an adoptee does find his or her natural mother, she is not always prepared for this happening and may go into shock, followed by a state of fear. This reaction on her part will come across as "rejection" to the adoptee. What has happened is that for that moment, the younger fragmented self that was buried deep inside her has reawakened. This is the part of her that holds the fear.
As a young woman she may have been coerced into adoption by past cultural attitudes towards children born to unwed mothers. Since there was no support system such as we have today, she believed she had to do what others insisted was best for her baby. She relinquished the child in spite of her misgivings and need to nurture it.
To live with this decision of separation and cope with the emotional pain in her psyche, she buried the pain within herself and fragmented this part of her from her outward personality. To hide the truth from both herself and those around her, she took on a facade. For example, she may have maintained a personality as a people-pleaser, which would gain her acceptance and approval from others.
However, convinced she was unworthy of keeping her child and never having known where her child was, the fragmented side of her personality remained in a state of fear, anger, sadness, unworthiness, guilt and shame. These feelings can remain locked up in the subconscious mind and on a cellular level for years, unless she finds some way to heal.
In many such cases, the natural mother feels this psychosomatic body pain on anniversary dates such as her child's birthday. Sadness, depression and anger rise into her conscious mind, but it is unlikely she knows what is causing these emotions unless she is consciously able to acknowledge her hidden pain.
If her relinquished child suddenly calls her years later, the fragmented self within her brings all the cellular memories to the surface. Unexpectedly, she is reliving the surrender of her baby. Hearing the adoptee's voice suddenly reawakens this alternate reality. Every cell in her body is recognizing that familiar emotional chemistry from the past trauma. As each emotion has its own chemistry code, those same emotions she experienced at the time of relinquishment are now surfacing and the pain and fear are overwhelming her.
The emotions of sadness, anger, unworthiness, guilt and shame are all awake and she goes into momentary turmoil. In some natural mothers the first emotion to awaken is fear and this is what the adoptee sees as rejection. Unfortunately, he/she does not understand that the natural mother is re-experiencing the abstract feelings that are left over from the disenfranchised grief that she was never permitted to handle in the past. For that moment she feels like that young woman of years ago when she felt herself unworthy of being able to respond to a call from her child.
She may also fear that the adoptee is going to be very angry with her for the relinquishing him or her as a baby when it was at their most vulnerable stage in life.
She searches her memory banks for a reference point that will tell her how to handle this situation in the present, but she can't find one. As a result she may experience one of three types of symptoms. The first may be hyperarousal in which the lower emotions of anger, fear, guilt and shame are felt to the extreme. These are the emotions she experienced when she had to surrender her baby, that were locked into her body cells and are now reawakened.
She may then go through a stage of intrusive symptoms in which she needs to tell the story over and over to anyone who will listen, looking for validation and support. The truth is finally out and it has become "real". The third symptom is constriction which makes her feel powerless so that she goes into a state of surrender, shutting down all her emotions. These three stages are classic symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Most natural mothers experience them to some degree when faced with reunions. These symptoms will oscillate from one to the other until she finds a way to heal her inner pain.
Consequently, rejection isn't always what is seems.  It is really about the fear the natural mother is experiencing along with the other hidden emotions from the past that she was never given permission to heal. In some cases the natural mother may regress to a state in which she is living out of the emotions of the fragmented younger self.
If you wonder why some natural mothers react so harshly while others are delighted with the idea of a reunion, the source of the problem lies in the ways she coped over the years with her loss and whether or not she was able to talk about it with others. If she allowed herself to discuss the past and had read books on adoption issues she will be delighted with the idea of a reunion. But if she locked away the pain so deeply within herself, she may have created a mental block that parallels amnesia. When the memories of the relinquishment resurface, she begins to experience the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Her outward behavior now represents a negative overreaction to what should have been a joyous event.
The adoptee should be prepared not to judge her for her initial reaction, which appears as a rejection. The natural mother needs time to find support and validation for her trauma. To accomplish this she may require counseling that will help her manage her feelings towards a reunion before it is attempted. It would be advisable for her to copy down the adoptee's phone number and/or address, enabling her to contact him/her once she has regained her composure and knows how she wants to handle the reunion.
The natural mother's initial reaction to reunion is an abstract of mixed messages clouded by fear. She should be encouraged not to turn away from her child. The pain and insecurity she feels will disappear with time and acknowledgement of the grief. If the reunion cannot be accomplished successfully, she must at least go on heal to her own trauma that the adoption has caused her over the years.
I believe we need to heal adoption issues on four levels, mental, emotional, spiritual and physical, with the guidance of a qualified counselor. Once these issues are healed, the final process of forgiveness  for herself and others will take her out of the past and into the present moment. If both mother and child can reach the point of forgiving the past, they can develop a healthy relationship and leave the past behind. Trying to intellectualize and make sense of what happened to them in the past is counterproductive to their growth in the moment. It is better that they let go of the pain and allow compassion to enter their hearts, leaving the lower emotions in the past.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

The young adopted child


The Young adopted child

The adopted child adopted in infancy knows nothing 
about adoption, then they are told the terrible news
that they were adopted. That there is another woman
out there that is their mother that does not fully register 
and does not make sense to them. That they are on temporary loan so they better mind their manners or they
could be sent back.

No matter how hard the adopted child tries they do not 
fit in, they continue to aggravate the adoptive mother
that believes the adopted child is annoying her on purpose.

The young adopted child has no one on their side, no one to listen to them and
no one to confide in. The child feels lonely and prefers to isolate themselves away from the biological group because they only get into trouble when trying to be with the group. We learn to occupy ourselves quietly, play by ourselves and are silent like we are not there. This makes our family not annoyed with us, we don't get into trouble and we learn to be happy by ourselves. We still have no real idea what adoption means, only that is is bad and we are shamed for it.

 Mid childhood is the time where we are learning how the outside world works, that is different from the way our family works. We are forced to develop the false-self "adopted child role" that makes our parents tolerate our presence. We are aware of what makes them mad and avoid this, ignore our emotions and needs to avoid being punished. Yet we are still frequently punished, shamed for who we are and treated differently from the biological offspring of the adoptive parents. No one in our family understands us, or knows who we are inside. We are ignored and treated like outsiders, and punished for things we have not done.
We are told that we are a problem, and educational failure and called names.
"Spoiled Rotten Brat", selfish, stupid, dumb and "haven't a clue" about life.
We believe what they tell us that we are incompetent, selfish and liars. That we have no worth, that we are hopeless, that we are a financial burden and that we are a complete disappointment. The adopted child walks through school, home and life hating themselves and feeling responsible. 

Friday, January 12, 2018

Did You Know Jane Is Adopting?


Did You Know Jane Is adopting?

This is an ignorant social trap, Why the hell do these people tell me this kind of shit? As I watch the narrative unfold everybody's happy input makes me want to vomit. The congratulations, and "the child will be so fortunate to have you as a mother all makes me want to beat my head against a wall. Nothing it seems has changed regarding all of the hard work we adoptee writers bleed on public spaces for. The social networks we use to being information about adoption into the public knowledge seems to fall on death ears. The response is always the same. My husband's relatives keep making the adoption announcements as the socially naive always respond predictably. Their responses are not only hurtful to me but completely humiliating, as the joke about it in their family way. Adoption is a joke to me as the definition of comedy is "tragedy plus time. When I hear my spouses relatives talk about their adoption plan, they are quick to fault the child adoption process, especially the screening and psychological testing that can be easily gone around if a potential adopting parent fails the psych test.

The social problem of adoption is in the public denial of the adoption consumers. They discount any teaching in the adoption education that gives a realistic image of future problem that they will experience and encounter with their adopted child. The social position is one that sees the adoption process as lame and unnecessary. They joke about how impersonal the adoption process related questions like preference for a particular race or age like they were going to the grocery store to buy bread.

The potential adoptive parent's believe they are saving a child, that that child has no parents and have no idea what a paper orphan is. The new parents have picked out new names months into the adoption process that says they have no regard for the child's current and future identity as long as they get to pick it out. There is no mention of the real parents as if they don't exist and never will. Many adoptive parents I have talked to recently have no idea what the baby scoop era is, nor are they aware of the realities that adopted children live. The new adoptive parents only want possession to fill their own needs and the child is part of that plan. Sadly I know that the uneducated adoptive parent is as ignorant today as the baby scoop era adoptive parents in their demand for live babies.